Total pages in book: 137
Estimated words: 128269 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 641(@200wpm)___ 513(@250wpm)___ 428(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 128269 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 641(@200wpm)___ 513(@250wpm)___ 428(@300wpm)
Tori’s openness encouraged Nikki to speak as nothing else would. It wasn’t easy. Nikki felt the words form and die on their tongue several times. Voicing this was hard. But Nikki wanted to change, wanted to grow into a person Gunter could see as a partner, not just someone to protect. And none of that would happen if they couldn’t even admit to the problem. So, Nikki gathered their courage and framed it into words as best they knew how.
“I’m usually fine, day to day. I really do love it here. And I’d never leave Gunter, not ever. But…being at that old compound today… Something about it set off old feelings of being trapped. I just…I had to get out for a second.”
Tori nodded, not surprised, expression filled with understanding. “Just to prove that you could. Yeah, I get it. I’ve done the same a few times.”
“It’s absolutely not Gunter’s fault,” Nikki felt compelled to say.
“It’s never Baldewin’s either. Or anyone else in the clan. There’s sometimes not even an obvious trigger on why I feel so strongly that I have to be outside. And it never lasts long, sometimes just a few hours. Being outside of the walls, knowing I can walk out and leave when I wish, that’s all it takes.”
Nikki blew out a long breath. “That’s good to hear.”
“There are days I wish my metabolism worked as fast as my anxiety. The weight you can gain in this castle is no joke.”
Nikki snickered. “I hear that. There’s a lot of good cooks in this clan.”
“Don’t I know it.”
Looking around at the horizon, Nikki felt the driving need to go out dissipate. Was it because they were outside and able to look at the mountains unrestricted? Or was it because they were able to talk through these feelings with Tori? Nikki had a feeling it was a healthy helping of both. “I honestly feel better just sitting out here.”
“Yeah, this is a favorite spot of mine. I sit here often when the feeling hits.” Tori caught their eyes, mouth twisted up in a sad smile. “Look, Nikki, what happened to you was wrong on so many levels. Just like what happened to me was sickening and wrong. And it has left its imprint on us—no pretending otherwise. I think it’s okay to cut ourselves some slack. Don’t give yourself grief over all this. Be kind to yourself. Work against the problem, not yourself.”
“You’re saying that if I get like this again, it’s okay to just come out here?”
“It’s absolutely okay. It’s okay to tell Gunter flat out, too, that you’re not comfortable inside the castle right now. He’ll fly you in a heartbeat. And the dragons love flying their mates around. I honestly think they live for it. It makes Baldewin sad I won’t fly with him, but I’m too scared of heights to manage it. I bet Gunter would love to fly you, though.”
That was a really good thought. Nikki had never flown with Gunter for the fun of it. There had always been a reason, a grim mission ahead of them, which had taken a lot of the enjoyment out of it all.
“If you feel like you want to get professional help, like a therapist, I think that’s okay to do as well. They help more than you’d think. I started talking to one about six months ago.” Tori’s nose scrunched up in aggravation. “Mostly because I hated dumping all my baggage at Baldewin’s feet and making him deal with it. My husband doesn’t deserve that. And really, I don’t want to carry those issues with me for the rest of my life. My lifespan is now hundreds of years long because I’ll live as long as Baldewin does. Who wants to carry all that crap for hundreds of years?”
“You really think if I ask, I can have a therapist?”
“Hell yeah. No one even blinked when I asked. They were relieved, actually. I think they thought I’d have to be talked into it.” Tori held up a stern finger. “The Jaeggi’s issues are theirs, and theirs alone. They’re not yours. You don’t have to carry them. You want me to help you find a therapist? Hell, you can even use mine. She’s great, super friendly, and approachable. And unshockable. I’ve told her stories that would turn most people’s hair white and she’s just intrigued by it all.”
Any therapist who’d taken on Tori would know more about dragons and mates than the average therapist. They’d be broken in and Nikki wouldn’t have to explain every little thing.
And Tori had a good point, about not wanting to carry baggage around. Nikki certainly didn’t. They didn’t want the Jaeggi to continue to have that much power over them. They’d already done enough damage; Nikki wasn’t letting those bastards do even more. They wanted to be truly comfortable here and not be a burden to Gunter. Therapy…might be a really good idea, actually.