Total pages in book: 115
Estimated words: 108173 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 541(@200wpm)___ 433(@250wpm)___ 361(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 108173 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 541(@200wpm)___ 433(@250wpm)___ 361(@300wpm)
She felt almost bad leaving him in such a state, but she knew that sleeping with him would be the absolute worst thing she could do for her own emotional well-being.
She tried to walk away but as she passed the couch, she stopped directly behind him and stroked both hands through his hair before tilting his head back. She bent and gave him a soft and sweet upside-down kiss, regret and apology in the gentle caress.
“I’m sorry. But we can’t do this again. It hurts too much.”
She pressed a lingering kiss on his furrowed brow and this time walked away without looking back.
TWENTY-TWO
Breathe with me
Despite her earlier exhaustion, Lilah felt energized after her shower. By the time she returned to the room, Ben hadn’t come to bed yet, and she stared at his empty bed for a long, pensive moment, before crawling beneath the covers.
She wasn’t remotely sleepy and after tossing and turning for half-an-hour, she sat up abruptly. The rest of the apartment was eerily quiet, but Lilah wasn’t foolish enough to seek out her husband right now. If she did, she would probably wind up in bed with him, negating pretty much everything she’d said and done earlier. That would be pretty damned terrible, no matter how tempting it was to throw caution to the wind.
She considered his words about needing a fresh start. It was a wise sentiment and one that resonated with her, but not for the reasons Ben would have hoped. She was terrified to read Gramps’s letter, frightened of the disappointment she would feel if she couldn’t understand the reasoning behind his decision making.
But that fear was holding her back. It was keeping her tethered to the past and poisoning her memories of her beloved Gramps. Lilah needed to read his letter and move on with her life. What shape her future would take remained uncertain, but Gramps was gone, and clinging to his unread letter like it was some kind of talisman to ward off that painful reality, was foolish.
And childish.
She got out of bed and padded to her dresser, where she’d kept the letter stored in her jewelry box.
She took it back to bed and sat on top of the covers staring down at her name in the familiar bold slash of his handwriting. She ran trembling fingers over the lettering, lifted the envelope to her nose, futilely hoping for a whiff of his favorite aftershave. Her eyes misted when she smelled nothing at all.
She carefully ran her finger under the wax seal he liked to use when he was being particularly fussy, and smiled fondly at the sight of it. He loved putting the family crest on everything. His Scottish roots coming to the fore.
She removed the two sheets of neatly folded paper and sucked in a deep breath and—no longer able to delay the inevitable—bent her head to read.
My Dearest Lilah,
You have always been the light of my life. Everything I ‘ve achieved in this world has been for you. I know that the news of my cancer and of my death, has left you confused and hurt. Keeping my illness from you was a difficult decision. When I was first diagnosed, I railed against the gods, the devil, science, everything and everybody I could think of. I saw all the best specialists. They all had the same prognosis. A year at the most. My first thought was of you. And Ben. And all the things I’ve yet left undone. I focused on Ben first. He was easier. He needed to succeed me and I fought tooth and nail to make that happen. He was the best choice, really… and the board knew it. You, my dear heart, all I ever wanted was your happiness. And I hated the thought of you worrying about me and fussing over me and watching me deteriorate and fearing the inevitable end. I didn’t want that sadness to overshadow everything we still had left to do together. Seeing you happy made me happy. I opted out of my chemotherapy 6 months ago, just before you returned from Paris. I know that Ben feels in some way responsible for you. And perhaps I fostered that belief in him. He always tried so hard to please me. But I ‘ve always believed, in my heart of hearts, that you two are right for each other… not because—as Ben mistakenly imagines—you need to be taken care of, but because he does.
Without you, Ben is isolated, an island a million miles from the rest of the world. Lonely, buffeted by storms and weathered by strong winds. He needs your sunshine to keep him flourishing. He doesn’t know that, he thinks this is about you. But it’s also about him. You’re strong, loyal, loving, and you love him.
You’re good for him, sweet pea. You’re good for each other. Ben needs someone loving and warm in his life. And you, my Lilah, need someone who will always place you above all else. Watching the two of you grow closer these last several months has been a great source of joy for me.