Total pages in book: 132
Estimated words: 128801 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 644(@200wpm)___ 515(@250wpm)___ 429(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 128801 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 644(@200wpm)___ 515(@250wpm)___ 429(@300wpm)
“Then why did you wait so long to hold me with them?” My question broke into the stillness that had descended, a whisper that fell in sync with the ghosts that played along the walls of the room.
Ryder barely tensed, the muscles on his back going rigid, and he slowly eased back. Enough that he was leaning fully against the headboard. Enough that he could lay the full intent of his gaze on me. “I knew I wasn’t close to being worthy of you when you were going away to college, Dakota. I was barely finding myself, thanks to you, but I had a lot of shit to work out in my life. Problem is, when you live a life like mine, working that shit out isn’t so easy.”
Dread dripped into my bloodstream.
I’d always known there was something that Ryder was hiding beneath the easiness. The way he walked into a room so casually, tossing out smiles and grins, all while he always seemed to be looking over his shoulder.
I’d turned a blind eye to it, no doubt because I didn’t want to see.
Didn’t want to know.
I wanted to go on happily delusional that my friend was just fine. That he’d overcome the demons of his past.
I knew better now.
I just prayed they weren’t the kind that could destroy him.
The kind that could destroy us.
I had to curl my arms back around his neck and press my mouth to his ear because I was too terrified to look at him when I got the answer. “Are you still…using?”
I didn’t believe that, though.
Never once in all the years after I’d returned from Boulder had I ever thought he’d been messed up like that. The drugs that numbed him into oblivion.
No.
Not when those eyes had always remained so vigilant.
So raw and real.
His head shook against my chest. “No, baby, it’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” I drew back so I could see his face, and he reached up and threaded his fingers through my hair at the side of my head.
I leaned into his touch.
“It’s the one thing I can’t give you, Dakota.”
Hurt stabbed into my chest. “You don’t trust me?”
He only hesitated for a beat before the words began to flood, quiet and hard and riddled with a torment that I didn’t understand.
“No. Because it’s dangerous, and I can’t involve you in it. It’s why I’m going to have to go on pretending like you’re not mine when we’re in public because I can’t risk someone knowing who you are to me or what you mean to me. Just for a little while, until I find a way to get out from under this.”
Terror must have slashed through my expression. I doubted there would have been any missing it with the chill that slipped down my spine. An ice slick that froze everything in its path.
Because he framed my jaw in both of his big hands, angling up so he brought us face to face.
His breaths mine.
His promise was gravel. “I will never let anything happen to you or Kayden, Dakota. I won’t. I will protect you with everything I have. Fight for you, but in that, I have to fight this. I have to finally put it behind me, and I don’t know what that looks like, but I promise you that everything I’m going to do is for you. For us. For this family. The family that should have been mine from the beginning.”
Surprise widened my eyes. Was he implying what I thought he was? Had he felt it then, too?
I’d thought I’d been a fool for putting my heart on the chopping block that day. When I’d garnered the courage to finally tell him what I’d felt.
But then why would he have said what he’d said? Why had he been so devastated when he’d told me Amelia was dead?
I’d thought he’d been…heartbroken.
That question locked in my throat, a gnarl of old pain, and Ryder tightened his hold like he’d heard every question on the current of our connection.
“It stole our chance, Dakota, and I succumbed to the belief that I was never going to get to have you, and I refuse to believe it for any longer.”
“You told me you loved me…but not like that.” An accusation slipped into the confusion.
He’d told me.
Had gently destroyed me as he’d murmured the words.
I’d thought he was trying to save my feelings. Let me down easy.
Shame crested through his features, words so aggrieved they cut through the air. “It was the greatest lie I’ve ever told, Dakota. Seeing your face when I told you that? It fucking killed me. Breaking your heart while I was breaking mine, too.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know, and that’s on me, and I promise one day I will explain it, but not until I know it’s safe. Please trust me on this.”