Total pages in book: 140
Estimated words: 140940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 705(@200wpm)___ 564(@250wpm)___ 470(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 140940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 705(@200wpm)___ 564(@250wpm)___ 470(@300wpm)
“I think I will be scared to see what the destination is. . .”
“Self-discovery can be a scary journey. When it comes to trauma, remembering the truth can be agonizing, but if you don’t face it, you will never heal from it.” He went over to the other side of the chalkboard and wrote over more words. “Flop. . .well. . .that personality tends to have a sense of helplessness or submission.”
“And what about Fawn? I never heard of this type of trauma response.”
M turned back around and gave me a sad smile. “Fawn is interesting. When this personality faces danger, they seek to appease, please, and befriend the danger. Instead of fight or run.”
I blinked.
“Do you understand?”
“A little.”
“Good.” He rubbed his beard getting chalk dust on it. “Now let’s get to the hard stuff.”
“Alright.”
“As I said, each personality represents a response—fight, flight, freeze, flop, and fawn.”
I didn’t know why, but I started to tremble.
M tilted his head to the side. “Surely by now you know which personality is fight.”
I touched my chest. “Me?”
“No.” A low chuckle left him. “You call her Lunita. We named her the Monster.”
“Lunita is fight?”
M bobbed his head. “She’s the protector of us all.”
“No.” I frowned. “I feel like I’m the protector.”
He shrugged. “We all think that in the beginning.”
I deepened my frown. “Well, I’m not freeze. I always act when danger comes.”
“Very true.” M went back to the board and put the chalk by it. “The little girl is freeze. Unfortunately. . .she was the second person to be. . .born. That’s what I’m calling it, but the true concept is split.”
“Oh.” I thought about her and my heart broke. “That’s why she remembers so much about our mom.”
“That is why.” M touched his chest. “And. . .I am a bit embarrassed to admit this, but I am flop.”
“You are flop?”
“Yes.” He looked down at the floor. “It took time to admit, but my travels through India helped me understand.”
I considered the list. “That leaves two—flight and fawn.”
M bobbed his head. “Amber is flight.”
My bottom lip quivered. “A-amber?”
“Yes. Due to the nature of her response, it will be hard for you to meet her. She is always hiding, always running away. She likes to hide in the sewers under this building.”
I backed up. “Did X know about Amber?”
M shook his head. “She never wants to come out and would rather stay hidden.”
I tried to wrap my head around all of this. “You said the little girl was the second of us, so Amber was the first? Or was it Lunita?”
“Amber was the first to be born. That means she had it rough.”
“The little girl called her the Whore.”
“That is what Amber calls herself.” M began twisting his fingers. “It makes me. . .uncomfortable, but. . .I try to. . .respect that. However, I gave her the name Amber.”
“Why did you pick that name?”
“Amber is a healing agent in folk medicine. I hoped the name would give her positive thoughts of herself.”
“Did it work?”
“I have not seen her in sometime.”
“Could she be the original?”
“No. She is what you would call an alter. The first one.”
I returned to the list of trauma responses. “So. . .you think I’m fawn?”
“You are.”
“How could I be that?”
“When the Lion came, you did not run, hide, freeze, or pass out. You made him your friend, then your lover, and now. . .”
I shivered.
“We have been safe because of you.” M gave me a half-bow. “Thank you because throughout our life, you have befriended even the most dangerous people. The Butcher is another example.”
I parted my lips.
“It’s how we survived. It is why you are the Boss. The one we keep in control.”
I hugged myself tighter.
“Fawn is about appeasement. Fawn is keeping the peace at any cost.”
A wave of dizziness washed over me.
“Therefore, I would say that there is a strong argument that you are the Host. No one can do what you can do, so we sit back and watch the TV as Lunita would say it.” He tilted his head to the side. “Does this make you feel better?”
“I just. . .want to be one person.”
“May you find peace in the fact that we all just wanted to be one person.”
“That doesn’t give me peace. It just makes me sad and horrified.” I let go of myself and held out my hands. “If I’m not the original, then I’m not—”
“You are what we are—”
“I have sons. Are those mine or—”
“They are our sons.”
“No.” I shook my head over and over. “Those are my sons, and Kaz is mine, and Max is mine and—”
“Calm down.” M held his hand up. “Breathe. Please.”
I fisted my hands in took in a long breath.
“I am giving you pieces of the puzzle.”
“But. . .can we heal?”
M shrugged. “Perhaps.”
“What the fuck?”
“I didn’t think you could come in here and talk to me, but here you are.”