Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 84002 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 420(@200wpm)___ 336(@250wpm)___ 280(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84002 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 420(@200wpm)___ 336(@250wpm)___ 280(@300wpm)
She looked down and he knew what his words had done, even though that hadn’t been his intention. Still, Van didn’t take them back, because they were true.
“You deserve that and I’m sorry I never gave it to you…that I never showed you I love you the way you deserved, but I do, Van. And there is nothing, nothing I regret more than the way I’ve hurt you…the way we both hurt you.”
Van was silent. His throat had closed up. His mouth wouldn’t open. His heart slammed like a fist, over and over into his chest.
“Why?” Van asked. “Why couldn’t you show me? Why did you let him?”
Her eyes filled with tears. They raced each other down her face. “I don’t know. I was scared to lose him, or weak, or dumb. I don’t know. And I realize that’s not a good answer but that’s the one I have. He was…my father…. He used to hurt us. All of us, and he saved me. He saved me and he loved me and then I sat back while he did the same thing to you. God, what’s wrong with me?”
She shook her head, cried harder, but Van couldn’t move. Couldn’t console her. All he could do was listen.
She told him about how she’d grown up with an abusive, alcoholic father. He never kept a job and they had no money, then she met Van’s father, and he loved her and took care of her and saved her. The first time he’d hit Van she told herself it would never happen again. Eventually her brain told her he did it because he loved Van, wanted what was best for him. In a way, she was a battered wife without his father having ever raised a hand to her.
Sometimes the mind could make you believe anything. “Maybe that’s just my excuse,” she said softly.
“His health was getting worse. We knew that and he said he wished he could go back. Wished he could have his son with him, but you ignored his calls and turned him down at every attempt. I understand but—”
“Excuse me?” Van interrupted. “He never called me. He never tried to talk to me.”
She closed her eyes. Her chin quivered. “I thought… It doesn’t matter what I thought. What he said. The truth is, you’re still my son and I failed you. God, I wanted you to stay. Wanted to make it up to you somehow. The money, the business, if I could just get you to stay I thought we could find our way to each other, but every time I looked at you, I saw my failures. My guilt hit me so hard that I pushed you away. I pushed you away because it was easier to do than to tell you that I was wrong. That I failed you. That every time I think about what I allowed to happen, it eats me away inside.”
Her hands shook as she swiped at her tears but Van still didn’t move. He still couldn’t. “What changed?”
“I don’t know. I woke up? I called Annie and we’ve been talking. She loves you, Max—Van. I’m sorry, Van. She loves you the way a mother is supposed to love her son and….” She looked down, wrung her hands together in her lap. “She’s told me a lot about Shane. He sounds like he’s a good man.”
“He’s the best man.”
“I’m sorry,” she said again.
“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” he answered truthfully. He didn’t know if he could. Maybe that was something else he’d have to take one day at a time. Life worked that way sometimes.
“I understand,” she told him. “You’re happy. I could see it on your face when you answered the door. It’s good to see you happy.”
They spoke for a few more minutes before Van saw her out. He went to his bedroom, the one he shared with Shane and dug out the letter in the sealed envelope that he’d never read.
He took it outside, went to the deck, and the second he stepped out, Shane pulled Van into his arms. Shane hugged him, rubbed a hand over Van’s head, down his back. Squeezed him, told Van he loved him and held Van as he cried.
Eventually, Shane built a fire in the pit and they sat around it as Van told him what happened.
“I’m proud of you and whatever you decide, I have your back, Van. Always.”
Van had once told Shane the same thing. He’d have Shane’s back and he knew Shane had his. “I know.”
Van pushed out of the chair then, stood next to the fire, and dropped the envelope in. He didn’t want to know what his father had to say. It wouldn’t change anything. Nothing ever could where he was concerned. As for his mom, time would tell. That was life, though. It was all a process. Whatever happened between them, it wouldn’t be solved—or not in one day, at least.