Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 85725 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 429(@200wpm)___ 343(@250wpm)___ 286(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85725 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 429(@200wpm)___ 343(@250wpm)___ 286(@300wpm)
The horn behind me blares spurring my foot to slam on the accelerator, anxious to bridge the large gap between me and the SUV far ahead. Desperate to get the unknown male off my mind, I prepare to turn up The Lumineers song just seconds before the Bluetooth in my car alerts me to an incoming call from my mother.
Does it make me a bad daughter for wanting to hear them rather than her?
All it takes is a single push of a button for my mother’s voice to flood my vehicle in full surround sound. “Tell me he called.”
Taken completely off guard by her demand, I quietly croak, “Who?!”
“Dmitri.”
“Who?”
“Dr. Dmitri Chappell, the very single, very looking for love, pediatric doctor I told you about at dinner the other night. Remember?”
Ah. Prince Charming with a stethoscope.
“Surely, you remember, Jaye. You’re not having cognitive processing issues already, are you? You’re too young for that. Have you been having enough broccoli? Salmon?”
Swallowing my annoyance is barely done. “Why would this stranger I don’t know magically call me on a Tuesday night after work?”
“Because I gave him your number.”
“Mom.”
“Jaye,” she begins in such a familiar way I can practically recite what's coming next as I change lanes, “I showed him your picture at work-”
“That’s not weird-”
“-and he thought you were attractive. Actually, he thought you were stunning. Yes, I’m quoting him. The direct quote is ‘Your daughter is quite stunning, Maggie. How is she still single?’.”
Perhaps because I lack a personality people want to spend time with?
“I told him, you won’t be for long, so he better hop on it while you still are.”
“Wow,” is quietly whispered under my breath.
“Bit of an oversale-”
“Ouch.”
“-but people love the idea of getting something before everyone else does.”
What am I? The latest trending sweater?!
“I simply offered him your number afterwards and was just curious if he had used it yet.”
Meet the original version of all dating aps. Mothers.
“And he will use it. I know people, Jaye.”
Just not her daughter.
“There’s no reason to be worried about him not having called at this point.”
“I’m not worried.”
Not even sure I care, honestly.
“And there’s no reason to be upset about me taking the initiative to facilitate this connection for you.”
Upset isn’t the right word. More like…annoyed. Look, I get it. She…means…well. I know this. I know this like I know every line of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, but it doesn’t change the fact it irritates me. Severely.
“I’m not upset.”
“You sound upset.”
“I don’t.”
“You do. You sound like you’re trying to pretend you’re not because you really are and don’t want to get into it with me about it.”
Oh, that she picks up on? Not the whole…uninterested in being matchmade again?
“Nonetheless, it’s fine. You’ll get over it, especially once you finally have someone to come home to again.”
Yeah, coming home to Chris didn’t occur nearly as often as she’s picturing. Curse of having a significant other who traveled a lot for work.
“You need this, Jaye. You need someone in your life to take care of you. To build a family with. A life with. You need to move on.”
Instead of outwardly screaming that I am well aware that life continues on after the death of a loved one, I quietly lie, “Hey Mom, I gotta go. The other line is ringing, and it’s work. I probably forgot to lock up something in the library, and my boss is just calling to ask me did I know. I’ll talk to you again soon.”
“Wait, are you sure you’re getting enough brain foods in your diet? What about blueberries? Have you been having blueberries in your yogurt like I told you?”
“I swear my brain is fine-” – just tired of dealing with you – “-but I need go.”
“I love you.”
Reluctantly, I echo the sentiment, “I love you, too.”
Hitting the end button allows me to finally breathe again.
I know she’s the reason my wine intake has increased over the past year, just like I know my ordering of Chinese takeout tonight isn’t going to help my tight pants dilemma. But you know what? Sometimes, we just do what we gotta do to survive another day. Between you and me? I look forward to a point in my life when I’m no longer just trying to make it and actually enjoy living again.
Chapter 4
Archer
I turn off the hose after my two plastic water bottles are filled.
You know what most people don’t realize? Just how fucking routine based they truly are. The average person does the same little shit day in and day out. Humor me. Take a minute and really give some thought to your own basic habits both inside and outside your home. Alright, now those little thoughtless moments when you’re on autopilot are what make it easy for me to slip by and live off of you when I need to. For example, when you leave for your morning thirty-minute jog or to go grab that coffee you just had to have from your favorite shop up the road, it gives me the opportunity to pick up the peaches or pears or pecans from your tree that fell overnight. The ones you won’t notice until the ants or other rodents come for the taking or your lawn crew is tasked with their disposal. Yeah, I said other rodents because that’s what you think I am, right? A giant rodent. A pest on society. Useless. Pathetic. Well, fuck you for that and let that be the reason I pee on those petunias you only wanted because your snotty neighbor’s yard was beginning to look better than yours. Oh, don’t worry. I piss on theirs, too.