Total pages in book: 102
Estimated words: 97592 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 488(@200wpm)___ 390(@250wpm)___ 325(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97592 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 488(@200wpm)___ 390(@250wpm)___ 325(@300wpm)
“Why, in God’s name, why would you be upset with yourself in this situation?”
“Because after I told him no, I left and went to a bar.”
Her head bobbles up and down like one of those dashboard dolls. “Okay…”
“Bailey’s.”
Her eyes widen. She obviously knows that Noah is a regular there. I had a feeling she would.
“I ran into Noah, and we ended up talking all night. He told me about his upbringing and his sister and so many things about his life I had no freaking idea about.”
“Okay…”
“I drank three and a half glasses of wine, and then he walked me home and we talked some more.”
“Three and a half?” Brooke asks on a snort. “That explains the mismatched socks this morning.”
I glance down at my feet before dropping my head in my hands. “Jesus.”
“Whatever, Sam. Forget about the socks, would you? I’m dying here.”
I swallow and take a deep breath. “We talked, and then at some point, everything else just faded away. All I could see was the burn in his eyes, like the two of us were in a tunnel, right there in your old apartment.”
“Oh my God,” Brooke whispers. “You slept with Noah.”
I nod slowly. “And I was probably the one who initiated it…” I cringe and sink my head back into my hands on a groan. “Gah. What is the matter with me?”
“Nothing!” Brooke protests and tugs my hands away from my face. “You have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Sammy, and anyone on earth would understand if you made the occasional mistake. But I’m telling you, this wasn’t one. You made a choice you were allowed to make, and it sounds to me like you had reason to. You weren’t committed to either of these guys, and you are allowed to do what you want, do you hear me?”
“Oh, I hear you, all right. You’re kind of yelling.”
She sucks her lips into her mouth and backs away from my face by a foot. “Sorry.”
“I just…I don’t know, Brooke. I feel so guilty. Like any second, it’ll eat me alive.”
“You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t need to feel guilty.”
I scoff. “You know that’s like telling someone to relax, right?”
Brooke keeps her mouth shut, but I can see the desire to say something written all over her face.
“Please, whatever it is you’re thinking, just say it. Lord knows I am all ears on how to deal with this mess.”
“I just… Sammy.” She pauses and reaches out to hold one of my hands. “If you forget all the rest of it, there’s only one detail that matters.”
When she pauses too long, I almost explode. “Yeah? And? What is it?”
Her voice is painstakingly gentle. “You said no to Gavin, but you said yes to Noah. Why is that?”
“I…” I search my mind for the differentiating details of last night or last week or since the moment I started this ill-fated bounce between the two of them. Maybe it’s the hangover or the uncertainty of exactly what the future would hold with either of them or the fact that Noah and I didn’t establish even an inkling of what sleeping together last night would mean, but I come up completely empty. “I don’t know.”
“Well, maybe it’s time to slow down and think about it.”
I frown. “I don’t want to willfully hurt someone, but it feels like I am, and I don’t know how to stop.”
“You aren’t doing it willfully, Sammy. But if you want to stop, you’ve got to look for the answer inside you. There’s a part of you that knows what it wants. It’s time to call it up for a lifeline.”
“Don’t find it, just feel it,” I say, repeating the advice our mom always gave us as teenage girls as we were learning how to navigate the messy world of dating.
Brooke nods. “Exactly.”
I don’t have to find the answer. I just have to feel it, deep inside me, in the part that knows what Sammy Baker, and Sammy Baker alone, wants.
Late Morning, Monday, May 16th
Kendall stretches while her brown Lab, Chanandler Bong, dances beside her with readiness for our run.
Dolly and I, however, have already done our stretching, and after being woken up for an emergency surgery at four this morning, I’m now considering getting a waffle from the Wafels & Dinges truck parked at the entrance of the park instead of engaging in our weekly group exercise.
Truthfully, I’m exhausted. But I’m also amped. It’s this weird combination of feeling tired and wired. My body wants to lie down on the closest park bench and take a nap, but my mind wants to replay last night like some kind of highlight reel.
Fuck. Last night with Sammy was… I can’t even explain it.
It was a culmination of months and months of feelings on my part. A conclusion, if I’m honest, I never thought we’d actually reach.