Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 88064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Before I can twist away and make an excuse to disengage, he takes my wandering hand and kisses it.
"When they told me I was sick, I felt like my life was over," he says softly. I know he’s not trying to hurt me on purpose, but the words are like spikes beneath my feet. "I couldn’t breathe properly, as if one of my lungs had suddenly disappeared. I walked through my diagnosis and the first weeks of my treatment like a zombie. I didn’t want to be there to face it. I didn’t want to accept that it was happening. My mom had to force me back into the hospital. I just wanted to hang out with my friends and bury my head in the sand. I wanted to make-believe it was happening to someone else."
He pauses, waiting for me to ask a question or make a comment, but there’s a boulder in my throat and tears welling behind my eyes. Everything he’s saying resonates with me so much. Too much. I don’t want to hear more, but at the same time, it feels good to know I’m not alone in handling life’s challenges badly. Logan’s a level-headed man. If he struggled, then maybe I shouldn’t feel so ashamed of my own inability to face up to the truth.
"But there came a point where I realized I couldn’t run anymore, Dawn. A time when I had to face up to the fact that my fear was going to hurt me. I faced the very real prospect of death, fought it, and came out the other side."
He hugs me closer, running a tentative finger down my arm, sending tingles over my skin. "I’ve been in remission for long enough to hope that I’ve beaten it for good. My mom went through so much. Maybe more than I did. The worry a parent has for the safety of their child is different from dealing with cancer yourself. I had control of my choices. She had to sit by and hope that I made the right decisions."
I think about my dad and how worried he’s been since Mom passed. I think about his frustration at my avoidance of finding out the truth of my own destiny. I’ve been selfish and I’ve had to live with the fact every day. But my fear has been greater than my shame for not listening to him. My fear has been greater than everything.
"If I’d had a chance to find out about my odds of getting cancer years before, I’d take it in a heartbeat because I know it’s easier to fight a battle that’s planned than one that takes you by surprise."
I blink tears back, still fighting against the emotion that comes whenever I think about the result that’s waiting for me in a dusty filing cabinet back home.
Logan continues, still holding me close. "I lost my dad to a stroke, something he knew was a risk for him because of the lifestyle choices he made, and I was so angry when he died. So hurt that he didn’t choose to live his life in a way that would have possibly avoided his death. And I was so angry with myself for feeling anything other than sadness."
His mirrored understanding of everything I’ve faced and everything I’m living with is too much. Tears slip from the corners of my eyes, leaving cool trails down my cheeks, and my chest hitches with a sob that I can’t hold inside anymore.
Does he know? Did Kyla tell him? I don’t even care anymore because, for the first time in forever, I don’t feel so alone. Logan knows what it’s like. He’s been through so much more than me and has come out the other side fighting.
I gather my strength and tell him about my mom and the agreement I made with my dad. I tell him why YOLO has been my mantra, and why I don’t ever want to settle when there’s so much out there to see and experience before it’s too late. And Logan holds me so tightly, like I’m a wispy dragonfly, wings fluttering, ready to move on to greener pastures.
And when I’m empty of secrets and tears, he kisses my forehead and looks into my eyes.
"I want you to imagine what it would be like to not have the uncertainty hanging over you, Dawn. Imagine picking up your phone and calling to find out the results. Imagine having a plan for what happens next. Imagine living in knowledge rather than fear. And imagine doing all of that with me by your side."
I touch his face, seeing the emotion in his expression that I don’t deserve. Softness and kindness. Maybe even love.
Can I imagine those things?
Can I imagine him by my side as I take a step so far into the unknown that I may never return to the me I am right now?