Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 138287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 691(@200wpm)___ 553(@250wpm)___ 461(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 138287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 691(@200wpm)___ 553(@250wpm)___ 461(@300wpm)
It was my biggest fear, becoming an addict again.
But in my loneliness, I craved the sweet escape drugs provided.
I thought about her every day, my baby, and what I had done to her.
A thousand times over, I wanted to apologize but it would be an insult. It was like shooting someone in the back then saying sorry and slapping a band-aid over the bullet wound. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.
Regret was too weak a word for what I was feeling. The darkness consumed me whole. The problem was, I liked the darkness, and it liked me. I could live in that void forever, fading into nothingness.
What did I care?
The one person I wanted to spend my life with was gone. I had nobody. I made sure of that.
I just had to live with my guilt and be done with it.
“I’m going to Cherry’s.” Hell twirled the drumsticks between his fingers. “Gonna try to get her to go out with me, again.” He grinned like the fool he was.
“Yeah, well—” I stood and walked over to my guitar. “—good luck with that. That one’s colder than a dildo made of ice.”
Lee strode in. “Who is?”’
“Cherry,” Hell uttered, a big, stupid smile on his face. “I’ve been bringing her violets.”
Fuck me, he was pathetic. I laughed to myself. “Jesus, she got you wrapped, bondage style.”
But Hell didn’t care about my ribbing. He just smiled to himself then said, “I don’t know what it is. I just can’t stop thinking about her. I think…” He hesitated. “I think I’m in love with her.”
At that moment, the crater where my heart once resided crumbled some more, widened the gaping hole in my chest.
So many things went through my mind. Where it all went wrong for me.
Hell was doing everything I should’ve done with Emmy and now, she was lost to me.
My mouth opened, and I didn’t expect the words to sound as depressed as they did. “If you love her, tell her, Hell. Do whatever it takes. Don’t fuck it up. Or, I swear to God, you’ll regret it the rest of your life.” A slight pause. “And you’ll never stop thinking about her. Her, and those big blue eyes and thick-rimmed glasses will fucking haunt you every minute of every day.”
It was difficult to breathe.
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, shakily. And when I twisted my neck to face Hell, I told him, “Don’t be me, bro.” Was I having a panic attack? I rubbed at my chest and tried to steady my racing heart. “It blows being me.”
“Are you okay?” he asked, clearly concerned.
I swallowed hard. “Fine.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Lee and Noah exchange a look.
“Don’t worry, boys. I’m good,” I uttered, detached, my jaw tight as my heart continued to beat erratically. “Let’s jam.”
Of course, none of them believed me.
And they were right not to.
Every day was agony. I didn’t know how much longer I could live like this.
I wanted to die.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Junkhead.
Emmy
What a week. It started the day before last. The girls were in the middle of a well-publicized interview that was to be viewed by millions. No one felt more disappointed than I did that I felt forced to terminate it part way through. The UVV and I suddenly all over every entertainment network in what would be the start of a very serious conversation. Sexism in the industry.
I quietly wondered if I had made the right decision for my Vixens.
However, social media was abuzz and, unexpectedly, other female performers were coming out with their own experiences. It was vindicating to have so many of them say they wished they had a manager like The Violet Dame, someone who would step in and make a fuss when necessary.
I understood them.
My girls were important and their feelings would not be trampled on as long as I was in charge. If I had any inkling that they felt uncomfortable in a setting, I would remove them from the harmful situation in a heartbeat—screw the tabloids and whatever the heck they were paying.
It was non-negotiable.
When I stepped out of my room in my workout gear, I heard myself on the TV.
“Would you ask Left Turn whether they wear lingerie under their gear? No, you wouldn’t. Let’s go, Vixens. We’re outta here.”
I sighed. “They’re still playing it?”
Cherry grinned. “Yep. It’s awesome.”
“You did good, you know that?” Beth added sincerely.
Ettie made a noise of agreement. “Yeah, no one’s gonna fuck with us now. Not at the risk of looking like a bunch of assholes.”
“Well, that, and—” Pearl chuckled roughly. “—pretty much everyone is terrified of you.”
Making a face, I poured myself a green smoothie and sipped at it. “They’re not afraid of me. They’re afraid of The Violet Dame.”
“That’s you, Emmy, and I don’t blame ‘em,” stated Cherry before she smirked. “She’s a stone-cold bitch.”