Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 84200 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84200 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
That seems to settle him because his chest deflates as if he was holding his breath. My heart hurts for his uncertainty and the best way for me to soothe that right now is first with touch, then with words. I move across my kitchen and into his arms. I’m relieved he embraces me, allowing me to rest my head on his chest.
“When Mitch died, I was drowning in grief. My tears were as common as breathing.” Camden’s arms jerk slightly, then tighten. A measure of support. “But eventually, the tears dried and happiness returned in small doses. Then it came in big flushes. Travis was usually at the center of any joy those first few months, but I knew I had to give him a normal life. I kept my tears for when I went to bed so he wouldn’t share in my burden. With time, things changed. I found myself in bed at night, not crying over Mitch but smiling over something Travis said or did. If he had an amazing moment at school, it’s what I was thinking about when I closed my eyes. It got better and better. Every day that passed another stitch closed up the hole in my heart. And one day, I felt complete again. The tears were gone and I was happy.”
I push back against Camden’s hold and tip my head to look at him. “But it doesn’t mean I don’t still have moments where my grief rears up. I can’t control that and I don’t want to. I embrace those emotions because it’s part of who I am. I need you to embrace that about me… that I’m a woman with deep feelings.”
Camden’s eyes flick between my own as if he’s trying to figure out a puzzle, but I don’t know how to be any clearer. I’m about to offer further reassurance when he speaks and I’m not expecting the directional change in the conversation.
His hands come to my face. “I haven’t had a nightmare since we reconnected. I know part of it is that you’ve gotten me to open up about my emotions and talk about the crash. But the greater part was seeing how you embraced the experience and learned from it. Grew from it. I’m trying to model myself after you and that’s the greatest gift you’ve given me.”
I smile up at him because that sentiment is about as lovely a thing as anyone has ever said to me.
But my smile slips a bit with his next words. “On the flip side, coming to know you better and caring for you more deeply as each day goes by seems to increase my worry. Maybe it’s not knowing if we’re good for each other or maybe the timing isn’t right. There’s the fear of judgment and I’m trying my best to work past that, I promise you. Mostly, by getting involved with someone as amazing as you… I’m at risk of getting hurt. For as much as you’ve helped me grow, I could go in way deep with you and find out that you’re not ready. All my bad dreams now are of falling for you and then losing you.”
Once again, my heart hurts for him. Camden is as traumatized by the crash as any of us, and I am quite sure I’m as much a complication as a gift to him. I wish I could give him the assurances he needs, but I’m flying as blind as he is.
The only difference is, I’m willing to take the risk.
I can’t make him ready to do that, though. I can only wait for him to work through these things on his own and offer my hand, hoping he’ll be ready to take it one day so we can step out together.
I snuggle back into his chest and give him the only promise I can make at this time. “I understand how you’re feeling.”
But I can’t offer a solution.
CHAPTER 24
Danica
Having thrown the condom away in the bathroom, Camden slips back under the covers and pulls me into him spoon-style. While the sex between us is fucking amazing and only gets better every time, I have to admit, I enjoy the cuddling after. Camden wraps himself around me ever so perfectly and I could drift off to sleep in this warm cocoon or I could lie here and talk to him for hours.
We ended up here because I’m wanton and I own it. Camden’s been gone most of the week with two away games in Houston and Vegas. We hadn’t made any solid plans for when he got back. Tillie and Coen’s housewarming party is tomorrow evening, and while we’ve both RSVP’d, we haven’t even discussed how we’re going to play it.
This morning I woke up with an intense need to see Camden. To talk to him and honestly, to have him in my body. I find myself craving sex with him and because our time is limited between my job, raising Travis and Camden’s travel, I decided to be bold.