Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 104138 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 521(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 347(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104138 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 521(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 347(@300wpm)
**********
I don’t make it to my meeting. Instead, I tell Mike to deal with it alone, not bothering to conjure up an excuse. I don’t need to. I’m the boss and he has no choice but to do as I say. He’s not happy with me, but he never is, and I couldn’t give a crap if I tried. If I wanted my staff to fill the air with love, I’d own a dating website.
So now I’m lying back in the bath at my detached house in Alderley Edge, my arms draped over the sides. I slept well last night for the first time since my father passed away, yet I’m still tired. Maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time thinking about Theodore, trying to process what we mean to each other.
Love. Such a small, yet utterly terrifying, word. I’d convinced myself things were different now, that I was different, that I was better. And I am…I think. But what if I’m not? He might not love me, but he cares, and if I’m wrong, if I haven’t changed, he doesn’t deserve to have to care about someone like me.
Either way, whatever feelings we hold for each other are only going to multiply. I know that because they continue to do so every time I see him. If I let this go any further without being honest, I could end up destroying both of us. If he’s going to leave me when he finds out the truth, and part of me still thinks he should, it’s better if he does it now before the time comes when he might say that small, terrifying word and actually mean it.
Looking down at my chest, brushing away the soapy bubbles, I laugh, mocking my ridiculous thoughts.
He will never love you. How could he? Look at yourself.
I’m forced to listen to the voice in my head because it’s telling the truth. How stupid of me to even think about that four letter word when I haven’t got the courage to show Theodore my body, let alone the demons that lurk deep inside my fucked-up mind. Deep down I know there is no future for Theodore and I. How can there be when I don’t even see one for myself? Theodore has fallen for an actor. An imposter. I tell myself I’m trying by revealing the parts of myself I know he wants to hear, but I’ve been playing the leading role in a movie about a normal person.
And I’m not normal.
I’m fucked-up.
Broken.
Irreparable.
And he needs to know. I can’t be what he wants me to be but I can give him what he deserves. The truth. The freedom to walk away. I’ve been a coward. A fake. I’ve played the part so well I started believing it was real. But it’s not. It’s a lie. A fantasy. The proof is written all over my chest.
I’m so tired. I’m slipping. I can’t bring Theodore with me. He means too much to me.
I need to let him go.
**********
My decision is made, but the restaurant I’ve brought Theodore to for dinner isn’t the right place to bring it up. So for now, I’m not acting, just enjoying what could be my last night with the man I’ve grown dangerously close to.
Both of our phones are laid out on the table and, although he ignores it, Theodore’s continues to light up every few seconds.
“You’re popular tonight,” I tease, flipping my gaze between his eyes and his phone.
“It’s just Facebook notifications,” he says, turning his phone over so he can’t see the screen.
“Your Facebook or TS Roberts’?”
His whole body freezes for a moment, his arm hovering mid air. “How’d you find that out?”
“When I read The Beginning of Never.”
He swallows slowly, his cheeks pinking. Damn, I’ve missed that adorable blush. “When? How?”
“When I stayed over, I saw it on your bookshelf. The only reason you’d have multiple copies of the same book is if you wrote it. I read it while you were sleeping.”
“You didn’t sleep?”
“No.”
“And…you stayed?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I wasn’t ready to leave you yet.” I’m still not. Dammit! “You’re a beautiful writer, Theodore.”
“Of course you’re going to say that.”
His lack of confidence baffles me. I don’t think he has any idea how amazing and genuine he is, not just as a writer, but as a person.
“I’m not a sugar-coating kind of man,” I say, hovering my glass of sparkling water in front of my lips. “I thought you knew that already.”
Using his fork, he rolls the last few spirals of pasta around on his plate. “With others, sure, but I never know what to expect when you’re with me. I see a different side of you than everyone else.”
You have no idea. “Do you want dessert?”
“I couldn’t,” he says, straightening his back and clamping one hand to his stomach. “I’m stuffed.”
Nodding, I wave the waiter over with my hand and ask for the bill. Disappointment floods my stomach. I’m not ready to leave yet, not brave enough to take him home and have the conversation I’ve been planning all afternoon.
I don’t object, as much as I want to, when Theodore pulls half of the bill from his wallet. Usually, I would, but it annoys him and I want to enjoy his smile for as long as possible.
“You’re quite good at this dating thing,” Theodore teases as we step outside the restaurant and start walking to my car. “I don’t know why you waited so long.”
“It took that long for me to find someone I wanted to date.”
“Careful, James. You’ll have me thinking you care about me in a minute.”
“I do care.” My voice is firm, my expression a deadly shade of serious.
His smile vanishes in an instant. “I was kidding. I wouldn’t be here if I thought you didn’t care.”
“Come home with me.” Please say no.
“I’ll have to let Tess know. She’ll be expecting me home soon. It’s looking like she’s moving in on a more permanent basis.”
“Yeah?”
“I was going to ask her anyway, but then today her roommate said she wants to move her boyfriend in. On the plus side, they have two sofas and Tess is gonna bring one with her.”