Total pages in book: 140
Estimated words: 135652 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 543(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135652 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 543(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
“No.” He bites out through clenched teeth. “I won’t.”
“Babe…”
“If you do this…” He stops speaking and straightens abruptly while his fingers run through his hair. He looks devastated. It hurts me deep. Too deep.
“Yes?” I prompt, not wanting him to finish his sentence but knowing he should.
“I’ll never forgive you,” my chest constricts at his words. “Never.”
“Caleb,” I gasp, my hand going to my chest, as if trying to shield it from his emotional blows. “You don’t mean that.”
“It’s ours,” he shouts. “It’s half mine. I should get to decide.”
“We’re not ready,” I shout back. “I want to finish my education and buy a house first.”
“We’ll figure it out,” he says, his voice almost pleading. “Together we’ll figure it out. I’ll ask my parents to help with childcare.”
I laugh coldly, “You mean the parents that disowned you for staying with me? Why would they help?”
He winces, “They’ll help. I’ll just go into work for my dad.”
“The reason you left home in the first place was to avoid working with your dad, how is this a better option? You’ll end up resenting us,” I reach for him but he steps away. “We have a lot of student loans to pay off and the first year of work neither of us will be bringing in much money. They’re just placements. There’s no guarantee they’ll keep us and they definitely won’t keep me if I’m pregnant.”
“We’ll make it work. You’ll see. It’ll all be fine.”
“You’re living in a dream world. We have no money, no family. It’s just us.” I say this firmly.
“I’ll drop out, I’ll go back to University in a couple of years,” he grips my arms. “We’ll make it work.”
“It’ll be too hard.”
“I want this baby. I want a baby with you.”
I scoff. “You don’t think I want that? Of course I do. Just not now!”
“So you’ve made up your mind then?” He spits, his face a mask of anger and hurt. “Without even listening to what I want?”
“What about what I want? What I need?”
“Fine,” he snarls, I’ve never seen him so angry, he’s even angrier than the time he smashed the plate. He rages past me, his body tense and trembling. My heart stops when I see him packing his things into a large suitcase that he’s just pulled from under the bed.
“W…what are you doing Caleb?” My heavy heart stops entirely when he looks at me and replies, “I can’t stay here.”
“Why?” Panic at full throttle. I think I’m dying. My body hurts.
“I can’t watch you kill our baby.” That stings.
I blink in horror, “You’re leaving me?”
“Yes.” My chest tingles and my stomach heaves.
“Is this an ultimatum?” I breathe, not believing my ears or eyes. My tears spill over, I can’t control them. He doesn’t respond. “Caleb, please don’t do this.”
He freezes, his hands gripping the open case that lays on the bed.
“Please,” I sob and grab his arm. “Please Caleb. Don’t make me go through this alone.”
“Keep it.” He demands, his body still tense.
“Why can’t you just wait?” I half shout half sob. “Why can’t you just fucking wait?”
“You’re murdering my child.”
I jerk away from him, his words burned on my brain. “Don’t see it that way. Please.”
“How can I see it any other way?”
No. He can’t do this. He can’t.
But he is.
I watch him pack up his bags, his face set and his steps sure. He leaves, taking the car and all night he doesn’t come back.
******
I sit in the doctor’s office and explain my situation, relieved when she understands. She gives me a test just to be sure, when it comes out positive she books me an appointment at the clinic. I have two choices of termination, one where they put me to sleep and get it all out, or one where they give me a tablet and I sit for six hours waiting for it to leave my body.
I opt for option one.
My appointment is in four weeks. They give you a gap to change your mind. The gap is too long, I want it done now.
In class Sasha notices that something is wrong but I don’t tell her. I don’t tell anyone. Right now I can’t. Nobody needs to know about this. Nobody.
Even I don’t want to know about it.
When I make it home I curl up in bed and cry. He’s not home. Why isn’t he home?
Can I honestly do this to him? Can I honestly look him in the eye and tell him I’m going to murder his child? Because that’s what it is. I’m giving him no choice and it’s half of him.
I roll onto my back and close my eyes, letting my woes sink into me like an anchor into the sea. My hand rests on my flat belly, I try to imagine what it would be like, what life would be like to be pregnant. To carry Caleb’s baby in my stomach for nine months, to bring him or her into the world.