Total pages in book: 118
Estimated words: 106646 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 533(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 355(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106646 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 533(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 355(@300wpm)
"Can I say something while it's just the two of us?" Steph asks, giving me one of those calm-eyed, guileless looks. It's funny—Steph is probably close to my age, but there's a serenity to her that I've never been able to achieve. She has a funny side, too, but she just seems so satisfied with who she is and her lot in life, and I envy that. I've always been restless. I suppose it's what makes her a good therapist—however primitive our situation is—she's a fantastic listener, doesn't gossip like everyone else, and she asks really thoughtful questions.
I am a little concerned that she waited for A'tam to leave, though. He smelled the seed cakes cooking on the main fire and went to snag a few for us. Something tells me that mine will end up in his belly—A'tam has an unabashed sweet tooth and the seed cakes are very sweet when Gail makes them—but I don't mind. I love his boyish enthusiasm, even when it relates to cooking. "What's up?"
"I just wanted to ask how the intimacy is going between the two of you," Steph says, sipping the cup of tea she holds in her hands. "You're both still resonating, so I assume you're still waiting?"
There's no judgment in her tone, but I feel defensive all the same. "A'tam said he didn't mind waiting."
"I know. I'm not chiding you." Steph smiles, her posture easy. "I just wanted to ask how you're feeling about things. I know it was a deal-breaker for you and now that resonance is in play, it changes things. But I also know that it doesn't automatically make your concerns go away. So I wanted to ask how you were feeling, now that we're alone."
I hesitate. I feel like A'tam and I have come so far, but Steph's words remind me that maybe we haven't come that far, after all.
"There's no wrong answers," Steph says quickly. "I just wanted to know if there was anything you needed to talk out."
I guess it can't hurt to talk about it. I pitch my voice lower, so no one passing by can hear us. "Like I said, we're taking it slow. He knows how I felt that first time, and so he told me he wants to wait until I'm ready."
"That's wonderful," Steph says. "And how do you feel?"
"I…don't know." I grimace. "It's a shitty thing to say, but we're so good right now, you know? I don't want to mess any of that up. I love what we've got. He's trying really hard to listen, and I'm trying really hard to speak up. I feel like we're on the same wavelength. Like we're meshing." I interlace my fingers, as if that can somehow represent how in-tune I feel with A'tam. "I love the kisses and cuddles and the touching."
"But you don't want to go forward?" Steph asks, ever astute.
I…don't. And I hate that I don't. I could be happy for the rest of my days with no penis ever entering my vagina. Fingers and tongue are wonderful and A'tam makes me come so hard. If I feel a little hollow sometimes, or my body clenches around nothing, well, that's just something to be ignored. "I guess we'll have to soon enough, you know? But for now, I have enough."
"Does A'tam feel the same?" Steph's voice is calm and easy. Sweet, even.
I still flinch. Because I know A'tam doesn't feel the same. He's been incredibly patient. Wonderfully patient. But if I asked him if he would be okay with this for the rest of his days, the answer would be no. Of course it would be. He wants to fulfill resonance. He wants babies. And I do, too…but… "I know. I'm stalling."
"I didn't say that."
"I know, but I feel like it." I give her a tiny smile. "Resonance is going to make us give in soon enough. It's just that I'm afraid of it changing things. That we'll lose this happiness we have right now and go right back to where we were. And that scares me, because I don't want to lose this." I hug my chest. "I don't know what I'll do if I hate it all over again."
"And do you think you will?"
"The smart part of me says no, but the smart part of me tends to take a vacation when it comes to A'tam." I give her a sheepish look.
She doesn't smile at my joke, though. There's understanding glimmering in her eyes. "That's why I wanted to talk to you separately. I'm not saying you need to change anything today. I'm not saying you need to jump on him the moment I leave. But one of the big issues between the two of you was honesty. You need to be honest with A'tam about how you're feeling. He's wanting things to progress, from what you're saying, and if you don't, you need to discuss that. All relationships have to be on the same page."