Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 79898 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 399(@200wpm)___ 320(@250wpm)___ 266(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79898 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 399(@200wpm)___ 320(@250wpm)___ 266(@300wpm)
And what made things even worse was the way Nico was looking at me. He looked perfect, as always, and standing next to him made me feel even scuzzier. I was all too aware of my unwashed hair and the fact that I probably smelled like a fast food joint. I’d spent so much time washing sheets for Ada that I hadn’t had a chance to even wash my clothes, and suddenly I regretted not dressing up more before Nico had arrived.
Fuck, what a mess.
And all of it was my own making. My mind began to race and I panicked: just what on earth was I hoping to accomplish with this? Did I suddenly think that Nico and Ada and I would make up a happy family?
I’d completely forgotten that he might not even want a child.
I hadn’t meant to do it like this – I’d wanted to have a sit-down dinner with Nico, just the two of us, somewhere nice and quiet. Maybe some cute little Italian place with those wine-bottle candles and a waiter who could barely speak English. We’d order pasta and make eyes at each other, just like something cut from Lady and the Tramp, and I’d tell him that Ada was his and he’d reach over the table and hold my hand and tell me that he knew, that he’d always known, that he had just been waiting for me to finally tell him.
Instead, we were standing in the foyer of my crappy Brooklyn apartment, listening to horns honking below and people shouting. I’d never noticed the water stains on the ceiling before and suddenly, the couch I’d been so proud of affording at IKEA just looked cheap and saggy and shapeless. I hadn’t vacuumed in days and the carpet was littered with animal cracker crumbs and juice stains. The windows were open and the air smelled like garbage and Chinese food and I had been so stupid, so unimaginably stupid, to ever think that this could work in the real world. This wasn’t a fairy tale – it was my life, and I’d just managed to fuck it up after finally getting to a stable place.
“I’m sorry.” My voice was weak and I cleared my throat, then repeated myself.
Nico was standing there, giving me a look like he couldn’t believe that I’d just said what I had.
“Harper,” Nico said gently. He reached out to pull me into his arms but I flinched – I couldn’t help it – and Nico gave me a concerned look.
“I know,” I said miserably. It was all so wrong – Nico standing there, looking like a Greek god, and me with my eyes filled with tears.
How had it come to this?
“I ...” Nico trailed off. I stared at him. It was the only time in years of knowing him that I’d ever seen him speechless.
And suddenly it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, Nico was as nervous as I was about all of this. Despite looking as sexy as ever, there was worry in his eyes that I’d never seen before.
Maybe things would be all right, after all.
“Come on,” I said softly. I reached for Nico’s hand and laced my fingers with his. With my free hand, I reached up to my mouth and put a finger over my lips, gesturing for Nico to be quiet as I led him down the narrow hallway.
“She literally just fell asleep – she was up all night long, she’s got a bad bout of bronchitis,” I said quietly as Nico followed me. We walked to the door of my bedroom and I bit my lip as Nico peered in at our daughter.
I couldn’t look at his face – I couldn’t know how miserable he was, how deeply unhappy he was at confronting the reality of his own child.
“I’m sure you’ll want to meet her,” I whispered. “But please, for now, just let her sleep.”
Ada coughed softly and stirred in her sleep. Fearful of waking her, I practically dragged Nico into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. I’d been drinking so much caffeine that it was barely effective anymore, but I had to do something with my hands.
Now that it was just the two of us again, I felt more awkward than ever. I sipped my coffee and watched as Nico went over to my fridge like it was his kitchen and started rifling through it.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
Nico shut the door gently and turned to face me. “You look dead on your feet,” he said. “Go take a shower.”
I blinked at him.
“It’ll help,” Nico said, still using the same quiet voice. “I promise. I’ll make lunch.”
When I didn’t move, Nico approached me and put his hands on my shoulders, gently shoving me back to the hallway. I didn’t want to leave him – or leave Ada, who could wake at any second – but the smell of my own body was making me sick, and finally I slipped into the bathroom and turned the water as hot as it would go. I didn’t take my time – I didn’t even shave my legs or under my arms – but I made sure to wash my hair and soaped myself all over until I felt remotely like a human again. The water was still hot by the time I was done and I was almost reluctant to climb out of the warm, steamy sanctuary.