Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
“It’s good to see you.” She sat in her usual place with a fresh notebook in her lap and waited.
She never probed. It was one of the things that first struck Tam. The first few times he’d come to her, they’d stayed silent for an entire hour. He’d been rebelling against the verdict of mandatory therapy and she’d been a steady, patient presence. He recognized the stages now. He’d been stuck in pain and guilt for so long but with the pounding of a gavel, the judge had freed him to anger. Of course, Tam had taken it out on Dr. Lee because the people he’d really hated weren’t around.
She’d guided him through depression and release, but it had been Driver who helped him reach the final stage.
If he told her that, would she be shocked? Disappointed?
“I, um, Driver and I, we...” He looked at her but she simply raised a brow at him, calm as you please.
God, she was going to make him spell it out for her.
“He gave me a blow job and then we sort of made out, I guess.” He could feel heat crawling up his neck.
“Did you enjoy it?”
So fucking much. He nodded.
“So what’s troubling you?”
Good question. Something had driven him to make an appointment today, but what? “I’m not sure.”
“Let me take a few guesses. You tell me which one rings true?”
Tam tugged at his hair. “Shouldn’t I know? I mean, I’m wasting your time. I just...”
“You are more self-aware than most, but sometimes it’s difficult to understand why we react a certain way.”
“The nightmares came back,” he blurted out.
Dr. Lee crossed her legs, pen poised above her notebook, and waited.
“It’s been a while, but last night they were holding me down again.” Tam curled his fingers into a fist.
“Likely, your recent stimulation has brought to the surface feelings and fears that you pushed aside during your healing. Were you able to practice the meditations to calm yourself?”
“I didn’t need them.”
“Oh?”
Tam took a deep breath before speaking. “Driver was there.”
Her pen made a scribbling noise as it flew across the paper. “Ah, I see. He makes you feel safe?”
“Yes. But, also, I don’t know. Being around him is exhilarating too, not boring.”
Dr. Lee studied him, her expression unreadable, silently urging him to continue.
“I enjoy spending time with him, even if we’re just watching movies and eating takeout.” He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. “He accepts me.” He gestured to his heels, hair and makeup. “Actually I think he likes it, but not in a weird kinky way like the monsters did. It’s like he understands it’s part of who I am, who I need to be, and appreciates the honesty of it. Am I making any sense?”
“Perfect sense.”
Tam sighed. “I’m rambling.”
“Not rambling, but you don’t usually talk so excitedly. Not even about dance.”
“I know. I feel like I’m full of bubbles and I can’t contain them.”
Dr. Lee’s smile was small and understanding. “I know exactly how you feel.”
“You do?”
“It’s very common, perhaps slightly more intense for you because of everything you’ve been through.”
“Oh.”
“Why do you feel you need to contain your emotions?”
“Um...”
“We’ve spoken before about how unhealthy it is to keep things bottled up. It doesn’t matter if the feelings are happy or sad or angry.”
“It’s mine. It’s private. And besides, there’s no reason to tell anyone because it’s not gonna last.”
A pucker appeared between Dr. Lee’s brows. “What do you mean?”
Here it was. His real reason for coming. Maybe he’d known all along why he’d needed to talk to someone. Or maybe he’d just needed time to straighten things out in his head. “I don’t think I will ever be able to give him what he needs.”
“What does he need?”
“You know? Sex.”
She tilted her head.
“I can’t be penetrated. I’m not even sure if I can offer him oral because of...”
“Mister?”
Tam bit his lip and nodded. “Eventually, the novelty will wear off and he’ll move on. I’m just trying to soak up as much of the experience as I can while it lasts.”
“Healing isn’t about immediate gratification. You can’t rush something you want to last forever.”
“What if I can never be healed? What if I can never get past those hurdles?”
“One step at a time.”
“But I’m worried.”
“How much of your past have you shared with Driver?”
Sucking at the inside of his cheek, Tam focused on one of the posters. “The basics. You know I don’t like talking about it.”
“Yes, but now that you are venturing into a sexual relationship, it is important to communicate. Don’t you think? Maybe if he understands more about where you’re coming from, he’ll...”
“No.”
“All right. It’s your choice. But you are not a novelty. You deserve to be loved just as much as the rest of us.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Driver didn’t want to move. Tam was adorably snuggled to his side, covered with a thick throw blanket. It was warm and comfortable. Moving meant waking Tam, meant the possibility of saying goodbye. It meant cold reality.