Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Ellis.
And his heart stopped. His throat closed and his cold fingers went completely numb.
One large pillar with their family name engraved on it decorated with birds in flight. Driver moved closer without consciously controlling his body. Below, the names of his parents and brother in smaller print.
The weight of it all pressed down on him. Driver couldn’t hold himself upright under the burden. He collapsed clumsily, the crutches falling with a loud clatter. Pain shot up his injured leg but it was nothing compared to the hole in his chest. The ground was cold beneath his knees but that too was insignificant.
The dates he had tattooed above his heart were there in stone. He rubbed at the spot as the emptiness he knew so well ballooned inside him until it was all he could feel. There they were, right in front of his eyes.
The dates they were born.
And the day they all died.
There was no denying it now. It was time to accept the truth and forgive himself like everyone in his life had done fourteen years ago. Like the lock to some ancient bank safe, the vault he kept the pain inside slowly creaked open. With the first millimeter, tears filled Driver’s eyes. He dropped the crutches and clawed at the cold ground as all the anguish he’d held back for so long burst out.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean those things I said. I shouldn’t have gone out that day. It’s all my fault. Forgive me, please?” He lowered his head to the grass. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Sorry.”
He repeated his apology over and over and over between sucking in breath and a cascade of pain. His chest burned from the outpour and his whole body shook with it. He mourned. Truly, deeply mourned for the first time since their deaths and it was exactly what he needed.
They were dead. He couldn’t pretend they weren’t. Doing so was denying how much they had meant to him. It was stupid and selfish. He couldn’t fake the easygoing nature any longer. He couldn’t act like he hadn’t lost everything he’d once loved.
That loss had changed his entire life. It had colored every relationship he’d ever had. It had kept him moving. Constantly moving. Kept him at a distance from even those who cared about him the most.
Because rolling stones gather no moss, right? And without connections he’d never have to hurt again.
Idiot.
“I miss you,” he whispered through the giant boulders in his throat. “I miss you so much.”
* * *
How was it possible to be surrounded by people and feel so isolated?
Tam gazed into the empty shot glass in his hand. How many had Ansel shoved at him? He’d lost count. Not even the roaring club music was cheering him up. Colorful lights pulsated and danced across the dark walls and glass tables to dizzying effect. That, combined with the unknown quantity of vodka he’d consumed, had his head spinning.
But nothing was lifting the black cloud that swaddled him.
His gaze flicked across the table to where Z sat on Connelly’s lap. They laughed together at something Z said and then Connelly pulled Z into a kiss. Tam’s heart ached.
God, he wanted that.
But he hated himself for being jealous of his friend’s happiness, for even one second wishing that Z wasn’t so goddamn lucky.
It wasn’t fair. But then, life wasn’t, was it?
He’d tried.
Shouldn’t he be proud of himself for that at least? Dr. Lee said yes. Tam was working on it. Everything seemed harder now, though. Breathing took herculean effort, walking needed complete concentration, holding a conversation? Forget it. That was just too much to ask when every spare millisecond his mind was unoccupied it turned to memories of Driver. And his heart started yearning for the one thing it couldn’t have.
Ansel had said being out with them would help him feel better.
Ansel had lied.
Tam wasn’t surprised, but he wished he was home now. He wished he’d gotten out of this somehow, even knowing how impossible that would have been. When Ansel wanted something, good luck to anyone who got in his way.
But Tam didn’t need loud music. He didn’t need to watch his best friends being utterly and unconditionally in love. He didn’t need to spend another minute at Switch, not even with the excuse of getting to sign their brand new and shiny contract, which was how Ansel had gotten him there in the first place. Clever bitch.
“I’m gonna take off.” He put the empty shot glass on the table.
“What? It’s still early. Have another drink. I’m living vicariously through you tonight.” Ansel scooted out of Fitch’s arms and slid a full glass toward him.
“No, I’ve had too much. I’m tired.”
“Let me drive you,” Fitch said.
Tam waved him off. “Stay. I’ll walk. I could use the fresh air.”
Ansel stood when Tam did and followed him to the stairs that led from the VIP section to the main floor. “Say goodbye to Hop and Jae before you go or they’ll be pissed.” Ansel hugged him. “You’ll feel better, babe. Call if you need anything.”