Total pages in book: 110
Estimated words: 106798 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106798 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
After a few long moments, I whisper, “Maybe.” It’s like she reached into my fucking soul, grabbed every single emotion, and narrated them to me. I grab her hand and pull her toward me.
She surrenders, sitting on my lap so we’re both looking out the window. I rest my chin on her shoulder and slide one hand to the inside of her robe where I discover she is, in fact, naked underneath it.
“Before you arrived home yesterday…” I release a long sigh “…I was struggling. I felt like the asshole who left you in Malaysia without anything concrete as to where we stood because I didn’t know. I didn’t expect those emotions to creep up on me and obliterate my sense of balance. Every day I’ve felt like something was missing. And the obvious answer seemed to be her. Maybe you’re a little right. Maybe I miss the part of me she took with her. I’ve tried to figure it out. I just know that there have been days that I’m good, but not great. Content, but not necessarily happy. I’m grateful, but still a little resentful. Life is a new culinary concoction that I keep tasting, but it’s always missing something. And no matter what I add, it’s still not quite it.”
“Zach …”
“No.” I hug her tighter with my lips at her ear because I need her to really hear my words, feel my words. “When I saw you yesterday after so long—too long—I realized it wasn’t Suzanne. She’s not missing in my life. She’s simply gone. You’ve been the one missing in my life. So if I tell you that, right now, I am deliriously happy, you’ll feel responsible for my happiness. If I tell you I’m not happy, you’ll feel responsible or even worse, hurt, by my lack of happiness after everything that’s happened between us. So I can’t win. It’s an impossible question to answer.”
“If you can’t win, then just tell me the truth.”
“I’m happy,” I say without hesitation.
She releases a tiny sigh of relief.
“You’re you,” I continue. “I don’t compare you to her. Not anymore. So don’t ever think that. Don’t ever think that you’re living in her shadow or that you’re not living up to who you think she was or my expectations. Just know that when I’m with you, happiness comes a lot easier. I’m just trying to figure out how to feel this way when you’re not here because my therapist says I need to be my own source of happiness in order to share it with anyone else.”
“Your therapist?” Emersyn turns ninety degrees to look at my face.
I smirk. “Don’t say it. I’ve heard enough I-told-you-so’s from my family.”
Her head eases side to side. “I never told you to see a therapist, so I can’t say that. But I’m glad you’re doing it.”
I nod slowly. “Losing my wedding band was a wake-up call. I felt pretty messed up after I returned home from Malaysia.”
“And now?”
“I’m better. Most days, I’m better.”
“Does your therapist know you’re screwing the maid?”
I laugh, tugging on the sash to her robe. “He knows about Malaysia.”
“And?” She prompts me, greedy for more information.
“And he agrees that you’re young and you need to live a little. And I need to work through my shit.”
“Does he know we’re married?” She narrows her eyes at me, but I’m too busy focusing on her naked body that I’ve just exposed.
“No,” I reply.
“Does your family know about Malaysia?” She covers herself, tightening her sash and eliciting a frown from me.
I shoot her an are-you-kidding look. “They know you had a seizure and I went to Malaysia. But no, they don’t know more than that. I’m not sure what I’d tell them. Aaron called me last week. He wants to fix me up with a friend of his. I said no, of course.”
“Why did you say no?”
Did I hear her right?
“Why would you ask me that?”
She offers me a fake smile. “I think you should live your life. Enjoy your life. You’re a man with … needs. I’m the woman who’s rarely here. You’ve given me more, so much more than I could ever repay. You owe me nothing, least of all any sort of loyalty.”
“That’s a terrible answer,” I blurt before she finishes her last word. Does she really feel like a conquest of mine? Like just any other woman? Does she really think what happened in Malaysia meant nothing? I’m … speechless. No, I’m gagged like a prisoner because I want to say all the words I’m thinking, but I refuse to be some needy fuck who holds her back in life.
Emersyn shrugs before taking her mug to the sink. “It’s the best I have to give you. I’m sure Aaron has someone who is local, established in a career, and probably not epileptic. Bonus points for good health. Double bonus points if she’s never lived out of her car.”