Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 87766 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 439(@200wpm)___ 351(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87766 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 439(@200wpm)___ 351(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
“How’s your Dad doing?” He asks hesitantly.
“Okay,” I shrug. “They’re waiting for one more test result to be sent to the doctor. We’re anxiously counting down until his appointment, which is soon, and it’s with this bigwig doctor in the city who is apparently the best, so that’s good.”
He nods, and we continue our trek across the mall, until a few stores down, he stops.
“I saw you there,” he clears his throat, and I look up, following his stare to a cell phone store. “It was towards the end of summer, right after you graduated. Gracie spotted me, came over and talked to me,” he shakes his head, remembering. “That’s when I found out you were going to Italy.”
I meet his gaze, curious and jealous, because he got to see me and I didn’t get to see him.
“You were with your Mom too,” he continues. “I wanted so badly to go and talk to you, but your last words kept ringing in my ear. Then when Gracie spotted me she practically threatened me not to go to you,” he laughs silently, and I look at him expectantly. “I think that’s the only reason she came up to me in the first place. She saw how badly I wanted to. That’s when she told me where you were going, and I wanted nothing more than to beg you not to go.”
He takes a few more steps before stopping again, and I follow him.
“I stood about here, watching you, but it wasn’t creepy, I swear,” he smiles an adorable half smirk, “and then you know what?”
I’m shifting my weight from foot to foot, anxiously listening.
“I all of a sudden became so damn proud of you. After all we talked about, I wanted you to do this for you. I was so excited for you to experience such an adventure.”
I smile back at him, nodding my head, a thank you for sharing that with me.
“I know that I don’t deserve you,” he sighs, and his smile disappears.
“That’s not true,” I place my hand on his shoulder. “You just went about a lot of things very poorly,” I offer my own sad smile. “We also looked at things very differently, because for me, my greatest adventure would have been you, not Italy.”
He winces.
“I was selfish, and in spite of all that I did - the pain and hurt I caused you - I thought letting you live your life was the most selfless, uncharacteristic thing I could do. You deserve better than my drama, and I was up to my nose in it.”
I nod, understanding his point of view, and we start walking again, taking small steps towards the department store.
“When I moved out of Deb’s and was practically pushed to live with Holly again I knew it was the right thing to do, but I felt like a total schmuck. To everyone,” he confides. “To you, obviously. To her, the person I was supposed to be with for the kids sake, and then to the actual kid,” he swallows. “Do you know I wasn’t even there when he was born, because Holly and I weren’t really speaking? I mean, he didn’t turn out to me mine, but even when I thought he was, I wasn’t there. I went later that day to see him, but not then.”
“Oh, Josh-” I start to console him.
“It gets worse,” he chuckles sadly. “I never told anyone this,” he looks at me, like he’s been waiting forever to get this off his chest. “When I saw him, my kid, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing towards him, or his mother.”
“Well, he wasn’t yours,” I point out. “I don’t think you’re supposed to feel a certain way for a kid that’s not yours. Sometimes you just know, even though at the time you didn’t. Your instincts did.”
“The only thing I knew is that I didn’t want to be stuck in the life I was in!” His voice is angry and pained.
“You can’t beat yourself up over it,” I give him a friendly nudge as we enter the department store.
“I did, though,” he clears his throat. “That entire summer all I thought about was you, and the whole time it killed me because I should’ve been thinking of this child,” he laughs coldly. “But all I wanted was to feel you and hold you, because everything was so fucked up, and you are the only thing that has ever felt right. Even when it was wrong.”
I smile kindly, trying to will my heart to behave.
“If it were up to Holly, we would’ve stayed together. She didn’t even give a shit. She’d kiss me, and I’d feel nothing. She knew it too. I’d hold the kid, and I’d feel nothing. It wasn’t right. Do you know what that’s like?”
I swallow hard, shaking my head.