Total pages in book: 13
Estimated words: 12035 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 60(@200wpm)___ 48(@250wpm)___ 40(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 12035 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 60(@200wpm)___ 48(@250wpm)___ 40(@300wpm)
Read Online Books/Novels: | Bad Santa |
|---|---|
Author/Writer of Book/Novel: | Jordan Silver |
| Language: | English |
| ISBN/ ASIN: | B01N64OJZO |
| Book Information: | |
Grant Lorenz is a foul mouthed marine who's having a very bad day. A judge has ordered him to do a stint as the mall Santa or go straight to jail. Now he's mad at the world and have a chip on his shoulder, and anyone who gets in his way is going to catch hellfire. Then the new boss lady gets in his face and he decides to teach her a lesson. Josephine Bissette is an overworked store director whose Santa just bailed right in the middle of the Christmas season. She gets an offer and since she's stuck, she has no choice but to hire the disgruntled hard nosed man who's standing in her office looking like he's just chewed nails for lunch. She's out of patience and not much interested in anything but getting through the holiday from hell, and the overgrown ape standing in her office trying to get under her skin isn't helping. She sends him packing after five minutes, but the man who didn't want any part of this gig suddenly decides that here is just where he wants to be if only to make her holiday as miserable as his. | |
| Books by Author: | Jordan Silver Books |
1
“I can’t believe you got me into this shit.” It was cold as balls in this bitch and my mood was even colder. If one more asshole rang a bell in my damn face with that merry Christmas bullshit I’m gonna snap.
I walked right through the gaggle of women coming my way on the sidewalk and chose to ignore their griping when I didn’t do the gentlemanly thing and step into the damn street to let them pass. Walk single file. There’s like a million people out and about carrying a hundred fucking bags in each arm. What the fuck!
“I got you? Dude I’m not the one who punched someone in the face. You’re lucky it’s this and not time in the pen.” I should push his ass off the sidewalk and be done with it. I put my life in his hands and this is what the fuck I get. And I wish everyone would stop harping on and on about that damn punch. Shit was a month ago. I’ve done more serious shit since then.
“Worse fucking lawyer in creation.” I kicked a clump of icy snow out of the way and pushed my hands deeper into the pockets of my jacket. What the fuck was the sense of wearing gloves if your fingers were still gonna get frostbite? Thieving fucks, warm my ass.
“Well, as your lawyer I’ll say suck it up. As your brother, fuck off. And don’t forget your anger management class.” What the fuck is he on?
“I’m not going to that shit bro.” The little fuck stopped in the middle of the people’s sidewalk to stare me down. I kept walking and left his dumb ass there talking to himself until he ran to catch up. “Grant you can’t brush that off, this is serious.” Fucker’s always on his period with this nagging shit. “I don’t have to do fuck.”
“You have to it’s part of your deal.” More snow came down, big fat flurries that I just knew were gonna stick and fuck up the rest of my day. A nice plane ride to the south pacific sounded good right about now. Instead I was on my way to certain hell. “If any one of these little fucks piss puke or crap on me I’m gonna need more than anger management.”
I pulled open the door to the mall and almost broke the shit off. I was already sick to my gut with all the fuckery that was going on. People, too much fucking people, and that damn happy shit music that’s been playing everywhere for a week. Jingle these nuts.
I turned around to head right back the fuck out but asshole Jr. was expecting that shit and pulled a preemptive strike. “Move little brother before I move you. I refuse to do this shit. That asshole isn’t worth this hassle.”
“You’re a real pain in the ass you know that. Just go meet the lady that’s in charge. And try to act like a human being, it’s the holidays for fuck sake.”
“You can take your holiday and shove it up your ass with a spike. Does ma know you got my ass in this shit?”
“No but she knows her son is a menace.”
“You told her?” Oh shit. That was enough to make my gonads crawl up into my butt crack. She loses her mind right around the week before Thanksgiving every year and if anyone messes with her happy shit she could be a damn beast.
“How was I supposed to keep it from her?” He actually looked confused.
“She shoulda drowned your ass at birth. Or I shoulda succeeded any one of the hundred times I tried to do your ass in before you reached your first birthday.”
Asshole! He just laughed and pushed me deeper into the madness that was holiday shoppers. The fuck these people get all this money from? I thought the damn economy tanked like eight years ago or some fuck.
Lawyer boy looked at his watch and I knew he was about to come up with some half ass lie so he could abandon my ass here when this was all his fault. If he only knew what I’m gonna do to him behind this shit he’d run for the hills of En Gedi.
“This is where I leave you bro. Call me when you’re done here let me know how it went.” He couldn’t even say that shit with a straight face. If he laughs I’ll kick his ass right here.
“Get out of here you fuck and keep your mouth shut to ma. I don’t need her in my ass anymore than she already is. Pain in the ass.” I do love the old lady but she makes me nuts. Still thinks I’m five years old and have to do as she says.
I headed in the direction of the offices upstairs and got myself ready for whatever bullshit these people were gonna say to me. Maybe if I grit my teeth hard enough it would prevent me from knocking the fuck outta the next asshole to get in my face.