Total pages in book: 130
Estimated words: 126602 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 633(@200wpm)___ 506(@250wpm)___ 422(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 126602 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 633(@200wpm)___ 506(@250wpm)___ 422(@300wpm)
If I got hurt, I’d have stop, and I didn’t have time for that.
It was after three when I finally called it a night.
After cleaning up and showering, I went to my room. All the furniture I owned was in there: a mattress that sat on the floor and one of those old military trunks I kept all my clothes in. That was it. I didn’t even have a fucking bed.
Pulling on a pair of boxers, I sat on the edge of the mattress and pulled up the contacts on my phone. There were two.
Nate and my ex, Val.
I hit dial, pushed my wet hair back, and pressed the phone to my ear, waiting for the greeting I always got no matter what fucking time I called her.
I understood why she never picked up. I was just hoping she was listening.
“Hey, it’s me,” I said, clearing the sleep from my voice. “Just wanted to let you know I got a place. A house. It ain’t much, but it’s better than the trailer. The girls will have a room and shit here, so…Look, it’s a fuckin’ dump now, but I’m fixing it up, and when it’s ready, I’d like the girls to see it. I’m really trying to do right by them this time. I want them to have what I didn’t. I want that more than I ever wanted anything, you know that, but I’m doin’ it right. It’s fuckin’ killing me, but I’m doing it, Val. Just think about letting me see them. Please. I’ll call when I have it ready. Just hear me out. That’s all I’m askin’.” I shook my head, nostrils flaring, so fucking angry with myself. “Christ, I know I don’t have any right to be askin’ shit from you, but I’m askin’ for them. I’m not doin’ this for me. I don’t deserve nothin’ anymore, I know that, just let me make this right. I’ll call when it’s ready. Please, just hear me out. I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
Ending the call, I fell back on the mattress and gripped the phone against my bare chest.
I could feel my heart slamming in suffering against my rib cage. I was panting, my skin breaking out in a sweat, my stomach rolling and twisting.
I worried she wouldn’t listen. I worried I’d never get the opportunity to fix my mistakes. I worried this was all for nothing. And I had no fucking right to worry about anything.
Feel like shit, because that’s what you are, and that’s all you’re ever going to be.
I could taste the sick creeping up the back of my throat. I tried swallowing it down. I tried not hearing the voice that never left my head, but it was all I could hear.
You think you’re special? she screamed. You ain’t nothing, boy! Just a stinking, piece of shit taking up space in my goddamned house! You ain’t nothing! You ain’t never gonna be nothing either! You hear me?
I hadn’t gotten around to pulling up the old carpet yet in my room. That was a good thing, since I never made it to the toilet.
Rolling over, I hung my head over the edge of the mattress and vomited on the floor.
Chapter Five
SHAYLA
They say a great day begins with breakfast.
Maybe that was why the next day was turning out to be so terrible.
When you miss breakfast due to oversleeping, this blame landing solely on me since I’d forgotten to set my alarm according to school time, it starts your day off on the wrong foot.
The boys weren’t too happy with me when I made them late, rushing them out the door after shoving Nutrigrain bars at them. Dominic’s annoyance was obvious. Aside from tossing the bar in the dumpster before getting in the car, I was convinced he only knew how to look pissed off, and, lucky for me, he wasn’t shy about letting me see it. Eli, on the other hand, was more subtle with his disappointment. He ate and kept his head down on the drive to school, and barely smiled at me when I would crack a joke.
It sucked. I hated letting them down, and even though I knew an apology wouldn’t go far, I still gave them several.
Neither said a word to me on the way to school.
I knew I had to do better. Not just for them, but for my mom too. She was relying on me to handle this and I wouldn’t let her down.
After setting the alarm on my phone so we wouldn’t be rushed again, and then setting a backup alarm, I stopped at my parents’ house to pick up something that would make my apartment a little more…fun.
Feeling good about my efforts, I had a smile on my face that afternoon when I drove to Dominic’s school to drop off his gear for practice.