Total pages in book: 141
Estimated words: 143382 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 717(@200wpm)___ 574(@250wpm)___ 478(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 143382 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 717(@200wpm)___ 574(@250wpm)___ 478(@300wpm)
He looked uncomfortable.
“I don’t have to,” I said quickly. “I’m sure it won’t take us long to figure this out, and then you guys can come back.”
Or at least I hoped it didn’t take long. I was so far over these stakeouts, it wasn’t funny.
“That’s not why I feel hinky.”
“Why do you feel hinky?”
“Because I fucked us up.”
I grabbed his hand again. “What? No. We had a thing. That thing is over.”
“You texted me once yesterday, Jess.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“The old Jess would have called to ask how it went down when we talked to Joaquim and Jamal’s people.”
Oh shit.
“Should I have done that?”
He pulled his hand from mine to point at me and say, “That. Right there.”
“What?”
“The shit I said made you think you have to back off. Made you think that offering to spend time with me after two of my friends were murdered is momming me.”
“I just wanted to—”
“I was mouthing off,” he declared. “I was taking it out on you how pissed I was that it took me finding Javi to understand my diagnosis was serious, but it’s manageable. I didn’t have anyone who said, ‘Okay, he has this, how does he live the fullest life he can while having it?’ Then get me to those things.”
When I opened my mouth to say something, he hurriedly continued talking, at the same time showing he knew what I was about to say.
“And that wasn’t your job, Jess. You were only nineteen when I got diagnosed. But for them, I was just a pain in the ass. I was ‘mental.’ I was constantly listening to them bitching because they had to shell out a co-pay they wanted to use to buy booze or smokes or whatever the fuck. Listening to them complain how I was a drain because they had to take time off to take me to see a doctor. How I didn’t get access to some stuff I need, like CBT, something I’ve found can be really effective in reducing episodes, because it was too much money, too much of their time, too much of a hassle.”
He tore his hand through his hair as I fought the urge to race to our mother’s house and then to our father’s to tear each of them new assholes.
And then Jeff kept going.
“That was it, Jess. They made me feel like a constant hassle. So much of one, it made me think everyone thought that way about me. You. Joshua and Kat. Everyone.”
“I fucking hate them so much,” I whispered, my voice trembling with just how much I hated our parents.
He shook his head and got closer to me.
“Now I know. I know I can hold down a job. I know that people can depend on me for important shit. I know I’m normal, I just have an illness. There are millions of people who live with illnesses every day. I’m just one of them.”
I loved it that he figured that out. (I still hated our parents.)
“Even so, I can cool it with the big sis crap,” I offered.
“Jess,” he said quietly. “I was so into the life I was building, after cutting out everything from the one I had, I didn’t realize I’d cut out a lot of healthy stuff too. I didn’t realize it until you got in my shit. You weren’t holding me down. I was lumping you in with ‘That was when my life was fucked up.’ When it wasn’t you. It was Mom and Dad. Be you. Be my big sister. Give a shit.” He cracked a grin. “Obviously, I need you around to spring me from a police interrogation at least.”
I didn’t know what was happening to me, but in that moment, I didn’t fight it.
I hugged my brother.
“I don’t have all day!” Clarice called from the living room.
I sighed.
We broke.
Jeff watched me roll my eyes.
I watched him smile after I did it.
Then we walked into the living room.
Javi was looking between us but stopped on Jeff.
“Cool?” he asked.
Jeff nodded.
Javi looked at me. “Good?”
“Don’t make me be mushy. We just hugged. That’s all I have in me for today.”
Javi’s face split into a grin. It warred with the melancholy in his amber eyes, but I was still glad I could make him smile.
“We’re out,” Clarice decreed, before she strutted on her stilettos to the door.
Jeff gave me another hug, and Javi waited until my brother was out the door before he followed.
But I hustled and caught his forearm before he could get away.
He turned back, looking down to his forearm before looking at me.
I let him go and whispered, “Thanks for introducing my brother to himself.”
His handsome face grew gentle, and, man, it packed a punch.
“Hermanita,” he whispered.
“And don’t shoulder the blame,” I advised. “I’m not sure how you can stop yourself from doing that, but I really hope you try.”