Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 104501 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 523(@200wpm)___ 418(@250wpm)___ 348(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104501 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 523(@200wpm)___ 418(@250wpm)___ 348(@300wpm)
“Okay.” I was suddenly nervous. My hands grew sweaty. “What is it?”
“Promise you’ll answer honestly.”
“Promise.” My mouth was dry.
“When we were together, did you feel your grief for you mom?”
“I…” The answer was no. I felt none of the pain. I only felt loved. How was that a bad thing, though?
“You promised, Summer.”
I had to answer. “I was only happy when I was with you.”
He closed his eyes and stepped back. “Right there. See, I can’t be with you. You need time, Summer. You have to feel what you lost, and you have to mourn her. You used Kevin to cover that up, and I can’t be the next Band-Aid you use. I won’t do that to us. If you can’t mourn her when you’re with me, you have to do it without me.”
He shook his head and began walking backwards, away from me.
“I’m sorry, Summer. I can’t be with you now.”
Two and a half months later.
I hated February. It was fucking love month.
“Hey.”
Avery didn’t knock, but she hadn’t been knocking since she’d found me in bed, feeling like my insides had been yanked out and dumped in a pile on the floor. That was back in November. I stopped answering the door, and she started letting herself in. We were in a symbiotic relationship.
I looked up from my laptop and watched as she grabbed a bag of chips, then plopped down on one of the beanbags. Those were also new, courtesy of Sheila, who felt bad because I’d been dumped. Kevin had told her, because everyone had told him. It was all over campus.
I’d been dumped.
Caden gave me the boot, but no one knew he did it for me. He was giving me time to process the loss of my mom, and I was. There’d been a couple more moments where I felt like I was breaking down, but I knew he was right. It hurt him too. Avery said he called and asked how I was doing every day. I just wished he would call me instead.
To say my step had lost its bounce would be an understatement.
I wasn’t even crawling.
Most days I stayed in my room. That’s how I coped for the first two weeks. Then a phone call from my father reminded me I was in college. Classes were a requirement, apparently. So then my routine became dorm room, class, dorm room, class.
Marcus was in my health class this semester. So was Shayla, my old physiology study partner. We had both been sitting there one day when he walked in.
My lungs had ceased working for a moment. He’d looked so much like Caden in that moment, and I worried he’d leave. He’d stopped, stared at me, and then sat in the empty chair next to me.
I could’ve cried. I was so happy.
He’d patted my leg. “My brother thinks he’s doing the right thing. He’s an idiot.”
Okay. I did start crying.
Marcus pulled his hand away. “Don’t make this weird, okay? I don’t even like it when Avery cries.”
I brushed my tears away quickly, and that night Caden had called.
He’d seemed so quiet. “Marcus told me he’s in your class.”
“He is.”
“He said you’ve lost weight.”
Marcus said the same about him. “Are you okay?”
Caden laughed lightly. “I’m supposed to be the one asking you that.”
I wasn’t okay. I didn’t want to say it, though. I wasn’t ready. I sighed, sinking down on my bed. “I’m trying to let her go, but it’s hard.”
He’d been quiet a moment. “Could you do it if we were together?”
I’d heard the yearning in his voice. I felt it too, but I had to be honest. We’d promised no lies. “I would be distracted by you.”
Another beat of silence. Then, “Let me know when you’re ready. I’ll be here.”
I nodded. I knew he couldn’t see that, but I couldn’t talk. My emotions were choking me, and when he hung up, I’d just curled on my side and hugged the pillow to me.
It wasn’t Caden I’d been holding, not like I’d been dreaming. It was my mom, and in that moment she was there. She’d been holding me right back.
I wanted him back, but it was time I took care of myself first.
“What are we doing for supper tonight?” Avery asked, turning around in my desk chair and separating me from my memories.
I grunted and tossed a package of ramen over my shoulder.
She groaned. “Not again. Please. You need real food, Summer.”
“Noodles are real food. They’re a relative to real pasta, which came from Italy and we know how kick-ass Italian food is. Boom. They’re gourmet badassness.”
She tossed them to the corner. “They’re not, and I’m pulling my friendship card.”
No way. She couldn’t.
I rotated around in my chair to stare at her. “Not the friendship card.”
“Totally the friendship card.”
I pretended to gasp and shudder. Okay, I really did shudder. I’d never admit it, but the ramen wasn’t doing it for me either.