Total pages in book: 71
Estimated words: 64929 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 325(@200wpm)___ 260(@250wpm)___ 216(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 64929 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 325(@200wpm)___ 260(@250wpm)___ 216(@300wpm)
“But not always sexual?” I meant it to come out as a statement, but it sounded more like a question. “Yes, that’s true. It’s a very intimate bond, as I’m sure you experienced.” Dr. Sheppard talked about it like he understood how it would have felt, like he wasn’t just reading through textbooks and quoting people. How did he know?
“Um, yes, but it was nice with Master. He made it different than when it was just me trying to figure it out.”
“Tell me about Master. How did you meet him?” I wasn’t sure how to describe our relationship without telling him everything. “I’ve known him for a long time, and I wasn’t even sure if he liked me as a person. When he found out about the project, that started to change things. I guess it made us look at each other differently? I don’t know. He volunteered to help me, and it felt good, relaxing. But also… more confusing than I’d thought it would be.”
I hoped I was vague enough that the doctor wouldn’t guess who Master also was. When Dr. Sheppard listened and didn’t seem horrified, I relaxed inside. Maybe I could talk to him without having to explain everything, keep the puppy part separate from everything else.
“The intimacy of a bond like that can change how we see people and ourselves. How do you see him now?” The words were soothing, and something about his voice made me want to answer, to try to explain.
“He was more loving toward me than I ever thought he would be. He was a different person when we were playing.” “Did you like who he was in that moment?”
“Yes.”
I liked him more than I wanted to admit.
**** As I drove home, my mind was an even bigger mess after the discussion than it had been before. I wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. Talking with Dr. Sheppard had been stressful but freeing. I didn’t tell him everything. There was no reason to tell that part, but it was enough to really make me think.
I was walking away with more confidence about my feelings on puppy play but a lot less when it came to my relationship with Master. And Owen. They were still two different people in my head, and I wasn’t sure how to reconcile that. But after talking through my feelings about Master, I knew I didn’t want the awkward avoidance to continue.
Dr. Sheppard had said that it didn’t have to be sexual and reinforced what I’d already seen online. It might not be sexual, but it would be intimate and make us closer than we’d been before. He’d also said that I needed to talk to Master to see how he was feeling about what we’d done.
Especially if I wanted it to continue. He’d given me ideas and information about continuing in the play without a handler or dominant, but I’d seen how that had gone for me already. I knew I needed someone there with me — someone who could understand and make me feel safe.
Master made me feel safe. I just needed to figure out how to explain that, but figuring out how to talk to Owen about it was hard. I wanted the closeness and the laughter back. I wanted to see him smile and feel him touch my hair again. And I needed to know if he wanted it too.
I was home before I was ready to be, but I had a feeling that no matter how many times I drove around the block, more time wouldn’t help. Owen’s car in the driveway didn’t help my nerves either. He had a pretty regular schedule, so it shouldn’t have surprised me, but knowing he was home made everything feel more urgent.
We couldn’t keep avoiding each other, even if it wasn’t as bad as it had been before. I wasn’t sure what kind of a relationship I wanted from him, but I knew if we didn’t stop the cycle, eventually I wouldn’t have any.
I parked the car in the driveway, walked up the sidewalk, and let myself into the side of the house. The house was always quiet lately, but it felt even more oppressive than usual. All I wanted to do was to go up to my room and hide, but I knew I couldn’t.
“Owen?” I called out softly as I entered the house, but it quickly became obvious he wasn’t in the kitchen. It was so quiet I knew he couldn't even be downstairs. When I passed the table in the low afternoon light, I almost missed the note and a little bag from the pet store. It shouldn’t have made my heart race like it was flowers on Valentine’s Day, but it did.
I forced myself to open the note first, trying to get my hopes under control. It didn’t help.