Total pages in book: 196
Estimated words: 186555 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 933(@200wpm)___ 746(@250wpm)___ 622(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 186555 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 933(@200wpm)___ 746(@250wpm)___ 622(@300wpm)
He stroked through my hair then my cheeks, over and over, my tears eventually spilling through his fingers, over the backs of his hands as he touched my face. Opening a dam with so many of the words I’d shared with my therapist over the last few days. But it was different with him.
“I’m so fucking angry, Rhodes. At everything. At the world, at God, at myself, and sometimes even at her. Why did she have to go on that stupid fucking hike in the first place? Why couldn’t she have done the trail she’d planned on taking? Why hadn’t she just waited for me to go with her? You know? I hate being mad, and I hate being sad, but I can’t help it. I don’t get it. I feel so confused,” I told him in a rush, taking one of his hands and squeezing it tight.
“At the same time, I’m so glad she was found, but I miss her, and I feel so guilty again. Guilty about stuff that I’ve worked out, things that I know I shouldn’t feel bad about. That none of what happened was my fault, but… it hurts. Still. And it’s always going to hurt. I know that. It’s supposed to. Because you don’t love someone and lose them and keep on going the rest of your life complete.
“I wonder too… did she know? Did she know I loved her? Does she know how much I miss her? How much I still wish she was around? Does she know that I turned out okay for the most part? That I had people who loved me and took care of me, or did she worry about what was going to happen? I hope she knows everything ended up okay, because I can’t bear to think that she worried.” My voice cracked over and over again, most of my words rambling and probably unintelligible, my tears soaking into the skin of the hand that was still touching my cheeks.
Rhodes tilted my face up and met me with those incredible gray eyes. When I tried to dip my chin, he kept me there. Everything about him so focused, so intent, like he was leaving me no room to misinterpret him. “I don’t know about some of that, but if you were anything like the way you are now when you were younger, she had to know how you felt about her. I’m sure it had to have lit up her life to be loved by you,” he whispered carefully, his voice hoarse.
I swallowed hard for a moment before I sagged, before I leaned over and rested the side of my face against his shoulder. And Rhodes… wonderful, wonderful Rhodes, slipped his arms under me and pulled me onto his lap, effortless, so effortless, one arm banding itself low on my back while the other curled around my side. And I settled in, right there, on top of him.
“It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be mad too.”
I pressed my nose against his throat. His skin was soft. “My ex used to get so frustrated with me when I’d have bad days. When I was extra sad. He’d say I’d suffered enough and that my mom wouldn’t want me to be so sad anymore, and that would make it worse. Usually I’m okay, but sometimes, I’m just not, and it’s random things that set me off. I want to live, I want to be happy, but I miss her and I want her back.”
One of his big hands cupped my hip, and I could feel the steady beat of his heart against my nose. “I thought we’d decided your ex was a moron,” Rhodes murmured. “I hope someday that if I’m gone, someone loves me enough to miss me for the rest of their life.”
He killed me. He really, absolutely did. I snorted a little into his throat, sagging even more into the warm wall of his frame.
“My dog, Pancake, died a few years ago, and I still get choked up when I think of him. I tell myself I can’t get another dog because I’m not home enough, but between us, considering it in the first place makes me feel like I’m being disloyal to him.” I’d swear he brushed his lips across my forehead as he held me even closer. “You don’t ever have to hide it—your grief. Not from me.”
Something painful and wonderful pricked my heart. “You don’t either. I’m sorry about your Pancake. He was the one in the picture I gave you, right? I’m sure he was amazing. Maybe, if you ever want, you can show me some more pictures of him. I’d like to see them.”
Rhodes’s voice got tight. “He was, and I will,” he promised.
I pushed my face even closer to his throat, and it took me minutes before I could get more words together. “My mom would want me to be happy, I know that. She’d tell me that it wasn’t like I didn’t already know she didn’t want to leave me. She would tell me not to spend more of my time being upset and live my life instead. I know it. I know in my heart that whatever happened was an accident and there’s nothing I can do to change it. And I really am happy with where I am now. It’s just hard….”