Total pages in book: 198
Estimated words: 186242 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 931(@200wpm)___ 745(@250wpm)___ 621(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 186242 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 931(@200wpm)___ 745(@250wpm)___ 621(@300wpm)
Rhodes tilted my face up and met me with those incredible gray eyes. When I tried to dip my chin, he kept me there. Everything about him so focused, so intent, like he was leaving me no room to misinterpret him. “I don’t know about some of that, but if you were anything like the way you are now when you were younger, she had to know how you felt about her. I’m sure it had to have lit up her life to be loved by you,” he whispered carefully, his voice hoarse.
I swallowed hard for a moment before I sagged, before I leaned over and rested the side of my face against his shoulder. And Rhodes . . . wonderful, wonderful Rhodes, slipped his arms under me and pulled me onto his lap, effortless, so effortless, one arm banding itself low on my back while the other curled around my side. And I settled in, right there, on top of him.
“It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be mad too.”
I pressed my nose against his throat. His skin was soft. “My ex used to get so frustrated with me when I’d have bad days. When I was extra sad. He’d say I’d suffered enough and that my mom wouldn’t want me to be so sad anymore, and that would make it worse. Usually I’m okay, but sometimes, I’m just not, and it’s random things that set me off. I want to live, I want to be happy, but I miss her and I want her back.”
One of his big hands cupped my hip, and I could feel the steady beat of his heart against my nose. “I thought we’d decided your ex was a moron,” Rhodes murmured. “I hope someday that if I’m gone, someone loves me enough to miss me for the rest of their life.”
He killed me. He really, absolutely did. I snorted a little into his throat, sagging even more into the warm wall of his frame.
“My dog, Pancake, died a few years ago, and I still get choked up when I think of him. I tell myself I can’t get another dog because I’m not home enough, but between us, considering it in the first place makes me feel like I’m being disloyal to him.” I’d swear he brushed his lips across my forehead as he held me even closer. “You don’t ever have to hide it—your grief. Not from me.”
Something painful and wonderful pricked my heart. “You don’t either. I’m sorry about your Pancake. He was the one in the picture I gave you, right? I’m sure he was amazing. Maybe, if you ever want, you can show me some more pictures of him. I’d like to see them.”
Rhodes’s voice got tight. “He was, and I will,” he promised.
I pushed my face even closer to his throat, and it took me minutes before I could get more words together. “My mom would want me to be happy, I know that. She’d tell me that it wasn’t like I didn’t already know she didn’t want to leave me. She would tell me not to spend more of my time being upset and live my life instead. I know it. I know in my heart that whatever happened was an accident and there’s nothing I can do to change it. And I really am happy with where I am now. It’s just hard . . .”
“Hey,” he said. “Some days you pick up eagles like they’re chickens, and some days you run screaming away from innocent bats. I like you both ways, angel. All ways.”
A choke that was a mixture of pain and laughter exploded out of me, and I’d swear his arms got even tighter.
I couldn’t help but hug him tight right back. “I just . . . I really just wish . . . I hope she knows how much I love her. How much I wish she was here. But also, that if all these shitty things were supposed to happen . . . I’m glad they brought me here.” My fingers curled around his forearm. “I’m glad you’re here, Rhodes. I’m so glad you’re in my life. Thank you for being so good to me.”
His hand stroked my hair, and his pulse beat under my cheek, and I could barely hear him as he said, “Any time you need me, I’m here. Right here.”
I clung to him and lowered my voice. “Don’t tell Yuki, but you’re my best best friend now.”
His throat bobbed against me, and I didn’t imagine how hoarse his voice came out as he said, “You’re my best best friend too, sweetheart.” His next swallow was just as harsh, his voice even more rough, but his words were the softest, most genuine thing I’d ever heard. “I really missed hearing you talk, you know that?”