Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Blood drained from my face. I didn’t want to speak about Poppy, about myself. But Cael had been so open with me, and I wanted to give him something back. He clearly needed it.
“I don’t know how to live without her either,” I said. “Poppy died, and I became trapped in that moment, suspended in some freeze-frame I can’t break free from.” Cael’s head dropped to lay on mine. “She died peacefully,” I said, trying to chase that day from my head, but after speaking to Cael, I realized that Poppy had died in the most beautiful way. “She passed the way she wanted to go. But … I honestly don’t know, Cael. I’ve just struggled to move on.” I released a self-deprecating laugh. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m a little bit … reserved.” Cael huffed out a single laugh too, and for a minute I thought he might crack a joke. I wondered if he’d been humorous, before …
The sound of his laugh made my heart swell. “I suppose I internalize a lot. My therapist back home has tried everything to help me. This is my last-ditch effort to try to grab hold of some semblance of life after loss.” I laughed again, but this one was filled with sadness; it was weak, and it made me feel silly.
“She died almost four years ago, yet here I am, suspended in time and barely living a life.” I looked at a pebble on the ground just to focus on anything while I said, “I should have been able to cope by now. I know people think I should be able to move on already.”
“I don’t think grief works like that.” I turned to face Cael, unsure what he meant. “I don’t think grief sticks to any timeline, Sav.” He searched my eyes, and I became lost in their depths. “If someone judges you for how long it’s taking you to move past a loved one’s death, be happy for them, because it means they’ve never experienced it.”
My throat clogged with emotion. “Thank you,” I said, feeling so completely understood. Just from that one sentence.
Cael shook his head. “Sometimes I wish I could rip out my heart and the part of my brain that keeps memories and just throw them away. If only for a little bit. Just to remember what fun felt like, what life was like when I was carefree. I just don’t want to wake up every morning with this pit in my stomach anymore, with such boiling anger in my veins that it burns me up inside.” Cael sighed, deeply, exhaustingly. “This isn’t who I am, Sav. But I’ve forgotten how to be anything else. I wish I could just be something more than someone ruined by grief. Just for a while.” He took the sentiment straight from my heart. Because I wished for that too. Often. Not to forget Poppy, but to just be done with the pain of her absence. A short reprieve.
I tracked my gaze over Cael’s handsome face and tall frame. I wanted that for us both. A taste of freedom from grief. A reprieve to just be. I sat up straighter and said, “Then why don’t we?”
Cael looked at me like I was crazy. It made me laugh. His eyes softened as that foreign sound drifted into the air above us. “I love it when you laugh.” Butterflies swarmed my body, a veritable invasion.
“I mean it,” I said and held Cael’s hand tighter. “What if, for the time we are here in Norway, we just push our grief aside and try to find joy?”
“I don’t think it’s that simple,” he said, but I heard the curious note in his voice. The silent hope that it could be done.
“Let’s try anyway. Together,” I said and felt overcome with emotion. The rink went blurry in front of me. “Just for a while, let’s just pretend.”
“Pretend what?” Cael asked softly.
“That we’re just two normal teenagers on a trip away from home. Exploring Norway for no other reason than we can.”
Cael stared at me for so long I became self-conscious. I was being stupid. I felt stupid. My face blazed with embarrassment. What I suggested was impossible. “It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I don’t know what I was thinking—”
“I’m in,” he said, interrupting me. My eyes widened. “I want to try,” he said, squeezing my hand and making me smile so big that it made my cheeks ache. Cael ran a finger over my cheek. “You have dimples, Peaches.”
“All of us Litchfield sisters do,” I said, meaning Ida, Poppy, and me. I froze when I realized I’d mentioned Poppy in the present tense. But if Cael had heard it, he didn’t correct me.
I ducked my head, cheeks heating, but Cael placed his free hand’s finger under my chin, like he had done that day at the Lakes, and tilted my head up until I gave him my full attention. For a second, I imagined what it would be like if he kissed me. If he just leaned in and pressed his lips to mine.