Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Cael didn’t move, like I was a horse that could be easily spooked. “I was out walking, and I heard you. You seemed upset. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” His voice was gentler than I’d ever heard it, reassuring, but it ricocheted off me like Teflon.
“I DON’T NEED YOU!” I screamed, my loud outburst echoing around the quiet lake. “I don’t need this place!” I said, gesturing to the hostel and the surrounding peaks. Then like someone had pulled out a plug, I felt the raging anger inside of me begin to drain away, taking all my fight and strength with me in mere seconds. My shoulders sagged and rolled inward—utterly depleted.
“I just need her,” I whispered. I covered my face with my hands, and I broke. I broke so badly I feared I would drop to the ground, but before I could, strong arms wrapped around me and helped me keep standing.
And I cried. I cried and cried against Cael’s chest. I threaded my arms around his waist and just held on. It was so nice just to hold someone and not pretend for one more minute that I was okay. Nice to not get up each day and put on a mask that I was sick and tired of wearing.
“She died,” I said, all my imprisoned sadness storming to the door to freedom. “My sister. My perfect older sister died. She died and left me here to exist in this world without her, and I can’t … God, Cael, I just don’t know how to live without her here. How do I ever feel whole again?” I buried my head into Cael’s chest, wrapping my fists into his thick coat. He just held me tighter. Held me against him and kept me sheltered in his embrace.
I cried again until I felt dehydrated and worn. My chest was raw from exertion, but I still held on tightly to Cael, so tight that I wasn’t sure I could ever let go.
Cael removed one of his hands from my back and began running it through my hair, soft and soothing. My breathing was hitched in the aftermath, my body flinching as it tried to piece itself together again after so thoroughly breaking apart.
I breathed in Cael’s fresh scent. Let the smell of snow and sea salt infuse my body. I focused on trying to keep breathing, but I felt my heart kick into an arrhythmic sprint, the familiar panic that attacked me daily rising to the surface.
Cael’s hand stopped on my hair, and he slowly leaned me backward. He read my face with his careful, moon-shimmer eyes and instructed, “Breathe in for eight, Peaches.” I stared into his eyes and did exactly what he said. I didn’t have any fight left within me to resist. He breathed with me, and I mirrored his actions.
“Now hold for four,” he said and the hand that was on my hair dropped to run up and down my spine. Goose bumps followed in his wake, but the rhythm of his hand became my guide. Like Mia and Leo had taught us, I listened to the echo of my heartbeat, and I listened to it begin to slow. “Exhale, Sav,” Cael said, and I did. I repeated the exercise a few more times. My panic slowly subsided, as did my sobs until only I remained. I was numb, but there was a new feeling within my soul. A glimmer of lightness that I couldn’t recall feeling since before Poppy was diagnosed.
Cael’s hands slid up my arms, running over my coat, until they cupped my face. Crackling embers ran down my spine, and I glanced up at his face. He was searching my eyes, every part of my face. Then he pressed his forehead to mine. No words were spoken, but that skin-on-skin contact brought kisses of warmth to my cold body.
“Are you okay?” he asked after several suspended seconds.
“I think so,” I said. Then stopped myself from finishing that sentence. I was so sick of the placating. So, I shook my head, revealing my truth, feeling his soft hair kiss my cheek. “No,” I finally confessed. “I’m not. I’m not okay. Not at all.”
Cael didn’t immediately say anything. Didn’t comfort or offer me anything about him in return. It made me uneasy. Feeling too raw and exposed, I made a move to step away, embarrassed at being so vulnerable, when he rasped out, “I’m not okay either.”
My gaze darted up and collided with his. His eyes glistened, and I got the sense that that was the first time Cael had admitted that to anyone … maybe even to himself. My arms were still wrapped into his coat, so I freed them and lifted one hand to place on his cheek too.
His skin was rough from the short stubble under my palm. I swallowed. I’d never touched a boy this closely before. Cael held his breath, but when my finger ghosted over his cheekbones and down his tattooed neck, he exhaled and closed his eyes. This moment was a respite. We were breathing the same air, and we were sharing our pent-up pain. Sharing our secrets in the safety of the cocoon we had created.