Total pages in book: 25
Estimated words: 23556 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 118(@200wpm)___ 94(@250wpm)___ 79(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 23556 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 118(@200wpm)___ 94(@250wpm)___ 79(@300wpm)
When Mom starts to knock on the piano, we look up at her as we stop playing. She gives me a sweet look. “Honey, it’s Christmas Eve, not Billie Eve.”
The room fills with laughter, but I notice Emery has walked out of the room. I get up, almost knocking Dad off.
“Damn, Quinn!”
“My bad, Dad,” I say, patting his back and then rushing after Emery. I don’t find her in the living room or even the kitchen. I check her room, but she’s not there. Out the window, I spot her on the enclosed deck. I head back to the great room where our families are still singing loudly and then through the living room to the deck. Emery doesn’t even glance back at me. She stands with a blanket wrapped around her, staring out at the darkness. I’m unsure of what she is looking at since it’s just black out there. There aren’t even stars in the sky, and the moon has been covered by clouds.
I clear my throat. “Looking for Santa?” She doesn’t laugh, and when I see a tear trickle down her cheek, I quickly wipe it away. “Don’t cry.”
“Quinn, I don’t want to hurt you.”
But those words hurt just the same. “Oh.”
Silence moves between us, and I don’t even hear our families anymore; I’m too engrossed in her. Emery brings her hand up, moving it along her other cheek, and then she shakes her head. “I don’t want to lose your friendship, but I can’t do this.”
I swallow hard, my heart almost beating out of my chest. “Why? We’re great together, Em. I love you.”
She closes her eyes. “I know. But don’t you see?” she asks, looking up at me. “I could fall fully in love with you, and I’d be married and pregnant within a year. I don’t want that. I have so much to do. I have so many things I want to experience. And travel. I want to travel, but—”
“Why can’t we do all that together? I want to be there, to support you, and to love you through everything. No one says we have to be married or pregnant. That’s insane! We have all the time in the world for that.”
“But if I allowed myself to love you, I’d end up like that.” Her eyes burn into mine. “I would become so engrossed in you that my dreams, my aspirations, wouldn’t matter.”
“No, that’s fucking stupid. We can have our own dreams and support each other. Look at our parents. If they can do it, we can.”
But she just shakes her head. “I can’t. Call me selfish, but I know how I am. I know how I’d love you, and it’s not fair to me.”
“I’d love you the same, though. I don’t understand.”
“Quinn, we haven’t experienced anything! You haven’t slept with anyone but me or had your heart broken. I haven’t even had my heart broken yet—”
“So, you’re fine breaking mine?” I ask, holding her gaze.
“I think if we stop this now, walk away from each other, we can do it cleanly.”
I laugh without humor. “There is nothing clean about this. I love you, Em. I love you despite the fact that I’m pretty sure you could kill me and hide the body and get away with it.”
I say it to make her smile, but she doesn’t. Instead, her tears fall faster. “Quinn.”
“Let’s try, see how it goes. I promise I won’t ask you to marry me for five years.”
But she shakes her head again. “I can’t love you right now.”
I feel my eyes burning. “Right now? So, what? You want me to wait?”
“No. I would never ask that,” she insists, holding my gaze. “I’m sure there is someone out there who will love you more and be everything you think I am.”
“Absolutely not. There is no one like you. No one who makes me feel like you do.”
“Because you haven’t met her,” she asserts. “A girl out there who’s ready to be like our siblings and parents. But that’s not me. I have too much going on, and so do you. But after this afternoon, hearing you say those words, I know we can’t keep things simple between us. There is too much here, and it scares me. I feel tied down by it, and I don’t like that feeling.”
A sob burns my throat as I hold her gaze. “So, you don’t love me?”
She swallows hard, looking away. “Please don’t make me answer that.”
“I think I deserve the answer.”
“Maybe. But I don’t want to hurt you or make you think there is a chance things could change.”
I hate it when a tear slides down my face. But maybe Mom is right and I am sensitive. I reach out, pulling Emery into my arms, and she comes without hesitation. Our lips meet almost instantly, and I kiss her like it could be the last time I ever feel her lips against mine. I tangle my fingers in her hair, and I hold her tighter than I mean to. But I have to. When we part, we’re both breathless and gasping for air.