Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
“I should’ve tried that with Sutt. Maybe I would’ve gotten him sooner,” I said tentatively, but wanting them to know about us and that I wasn’t there to give them a hard time. That I was like them. Reaching over, I took Sutton’s hand, and Sammy’s face split into the biggest smile I’d ever seen.
“No shit?” Sammy asked.
“No shit. Can we maybe talk for a bit? Just us?”
“Yeah, of course,” Sammy replied. “Em?”
“I got it,” he answered Sammy’s unspoken question, then turned to Sutton. “How about we go inside and get a drink?”
“Thank you. That’d be real nice.”
Emerson held Sammy’s face in both hands, pressing a kiss to his mouth before he signaled for Sutton to follow him.
Once they left, Sammy said, “Let’s go for a walk. I got a billion questions. Not sure which one to settle on first.” We began making our way across their property. They didn’t have animals there yet. From what I’d heard, Emerson had given his to a friend when they left. “How long have you and Sutton been a thing?”
“Since the beginnin’ of the year. It was…a surprise. It wasn’t like it seemed to be with you. I didn’t know I was…”
“Queer?”
“Yeah, still adjustin’ to it all. I haven’t landed on a label yet. Been assumin’ bi because I’m attracted to women, some men too, but it’s mostly women for me.”
“Sounds like bi works if that’s what you want to use. Labels are personal. Can’t no one tell you how to identify as long as you don’t erase others’ existence. Not everyone even uses labels. And it also don’t gotta be this fifty/fifty thing to be bisexual. Life ain’t black and white, Jasp. There’s a whole world of colors out there.”
He sounded older, more mature than I’d ever heard him. Like experiencing life outside of Ryland had given him new perspective. “How’d you know all this? I can’t wrap my head around it, that you always understood your sexuality, and then hearin’ you talk right now…”
“I always knew I was different from most folks around here.” He kicked at a stick as we walked. “But then, why is it considered different? That’s a conversation for another day, though. But I never wanted girls the way other boys my age did. I always knew it was men for me, just as I also knew I couldn’t tell no one, couldn’t act on it, so I spent most of my life pretendin’.”
“I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“Me too. Anyway, right before me and Molls started tellin’ people we were together, I admitted my truth to her. We figured lettin’ everyone believe we were a couple suited us both well. But her story is hers to tell.”
“I understand that. Did you… How did you…”
Sammy laughed. “I used to go up to Charlotte to meet men, if that’s what you’re askin’. I had enough to deal with here, so gettin’ off with someone was enough until I met Emerson.” You could hear the love in his voice when he spoke his husband’s name.
I said, “I didn’t understand how I felt, wouldn’t let myself acknowledge what I was feelin’ all these years. Then Sutt started pullin’ away, and it felt like he was rippin’ my heart out over and over again. I wouldn’t let myself put it together, I reckon out of fear of what it meant for myself, or who I always thought I was. Then he told me he loved me, and my whole fuckin’ world suddenly made sense.”
“Your folks?” Sammy asked, making my gut sink.
“Nah, they ain’t takin’ it well. Mama don’t like it, but she will deal with it. She’d deal even better if it wasn’t for my dad. He hasn’t talked to me in months.”
“Shit, Jasp. I’m real sorry about that.” We stopped walking. Sammy put his foot up on the bottom wooden slat on the animal pen, forearms resting on the top one. I leaned against it too.
“Yeah… I can’t understand it. All I wanna do is love Sutton. What’s so wrong with that?”
“Nothin’, but I don’t figure you always felt that way yourself.”
His words made my gut churn. Not because he said them, but because they were true. “That’s the main reason I’m here. I owe you an apology for how I reacted when you told us about you and Emerson, about you bein’ gay. It shouldn’t’ve mattered. I should’ve just been happy for you. I should’ve supported you. I know we’ve been texting off and on, but I feel like that was the coward’s way of me to move forward. I tried to make my way into your life again without tellin’ you I was wrong, without lettin’ you know I have your back and always will, without tellin’ you it don’t matter who you love. It shouldn’t matter who any of us love, just that we love ’em the best we can.”