Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t nervous, though.
“You ready for this?” Kendra asked as we stood in front of the bar.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” But it was difficult not to think of Jasper, wishing he were here with me. Nearly all my firsts in my life, Jasper had been a part of, but that wouldn’t be the case anymore, and fuck, that hurt.
“Don’t do that. Don’t think of him right now. You deserve this, Sutton. I’m not saying you should end the night going home with someone, but you deserve to have some fun.”
“Thank you, darlin’.” I wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
It was loud inside, pop music flooding the speakers. It already seemed pretty busy to me, but what the hell did I know? About ninety percent of the people here were men, some dressed like me, others in things like crop tops and wearing makeup. I saw a huge guy, with thick arms that could probably bench-press me and Kendra together, wearing sparkly stuff on his eyelids.
Men kissed each other, talked and danced and held hands. The world didn’t implode. We weren’t sucked into a fiery pit of hell.
It was natural.
Everyone was just…happy, and damned if that wasn’t freeing.
“Want a drink?” Kendra asked close to my ear.
“Just a Coke. I’ll get it, though.” I wanted to stay sober tonight, wanted to stand back and take it all in.
We made our way to the counter. It didn’t take long for the bartender to get to us. I got my soda and Kendra asked for an amaretto sour.
I was nervous, which made me run my finger along the top of the glass. When I was uncomfortable or worried, I had to keep my hands moving. We leaned against the counter, watching people all around us.
“What kind of guys are you attracted to?” she asked.
That was hard for me to answer. It wasn’t something I’d let myself think about a whole lot, and it wasn’t typically as strong as my attraction to women. “I don’t know… Regular, everyday guys.” Guys like Jasper. Damn it. I needed to stop thinking about him.
“You look scared. Don’t worry. We don’t bite,” a voice came from beside me.
I looked over to see a guy about my age. He wore a backward ball cap the way Jasper sometimes did. He had on jeans and a flannel. His hands were veiny and calloused, the left one with a scratch that he maybe got from working. Him, right there. He was the kind of man I was attracted to.
“First time?” he asked when I didn’t answer.
“That obvious?”
He chuckled, deep and raspy. “We all have our first time at some point. What’s your name?”
“Sutton.”
“Mark,” he replied, and we shook hands. His grip was firm.
“This is my friend Kendra.” I pulled my hand back.
“Nice to meet you, Kendra.”
We talked for a while, my attention alternating between them and watching the people around us. I saw two guys making out. My dick got hard, which was also a reminder that I hadn’t even allowed myself to try to watch gay porn yet.
Mark was nice. He worked in concrete, lived in Charlotte, had recently broken up with a long-term boyfriend, and was looking to get laid.
I was pretty sure I blushed at that, and Mark said, “Fuck, you’re sexy. That something you’d be interested in? Leaving with me? Or I could go with you so we can make sure your friend gets home safe.”
I wanted to be interested. I really did. Jasper didn’t want me. He’d never want me. There was no reason I shouldn’t experiment with this man, hook up and explore this new world I was finally opening myself up to, but… “I can’t. Not because you’re not hot or whatever. You are. But I’m hung up on someone, can’t seem to get past it.” Mark nodded and took a small step back, respecting my space. “He’s straight.” But sometimes…sometimes I wondered.
“Been there, done that. I don’t recommend it. You can take my number if you want—you know, if you need a friend or anything. It’s hard when you first come out.”
I nodded, liking the idea. We swapped numbers, and as much as this was good for me, I needed to head out. I wasn’t ready for all this. Not when I couldn’t go five whole minutes without thinking about Jasper.
“I’m sorry,” Kendra said when we got outside. “Was it too early? I thought this would be a good idea.”
“It was a good idea. This was nice for me to see. I just can’t forget about him yet.”
She hugged me, and I wondered what Jasper was doing, wondered if he was alone.
Kendra had a spare bedroom at her house, which was where I slept when I stayed over. It was after one in the morning, the room dark, but I couldn’t sleep. Every time I tried to close my eyes, I didn’t get any closer to peace, so I ended up staring at the ceiling I couldn’t even see.