Total pages in book: 241
Estimated words: 229266 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1146(@200wpm)___ 917(@250wpm)___ 764(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 229266 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1146(@200wpm)___ 917(@250wpm)___ 764(@300wpm)
His fingers halted for a heartbeat and then started moving once more. “You just need to be yourself, Poppy.”
That sounded easier said than done. “Being myself would likely mean arguing with you constantly—”
“And threatening to stab me,” he interjected. “I know.”
“How is me threatening to stab you going to convince anyone that this engagement is real?”
“I’ll admit, that would lead the average person to believe there were no fond feelings between us, but no one would believe that I would choose a submissive Maiden over my brother. They’d expect me to fall for someone as fiery as she is kind, brave…even to a fault. Someone who pushes back.” His fingers now moved up and down in a straight line, but for once, his words were far more distracting. “They’d expect someone like you, to be honest. Not the veiled Maiden. That is not who you are.”
Unsettled by what he’d said, my grip tightened on the pommel. “You’re right. I’m not the veiled Maiden. Not anymore, but I…” My gaze lifted to the strip of gray sky. “It’s what I’m used to, I guess. I’m not used to this.”
“I imagine you’re not used to any of this, and I don’t mean the whole being kidnapped part.”
A wry grin twisted my lips. “All of this is new. The lack of the veil and being allowed to speak whenever I want, to whomever I want. Or being able to use my abilities and not hide them. I can’t even remember the last time I ate supper at a table with more than just one or two people. I’m not used to being in a room full of individuals, being the center of attention, yet somehow still invisible to them. I…” I trailed off before I admitted what had found its way to the surface. I wasn’t sure if even I knew who I was without the veil and all its limitations, because even though there were still rules, new ones to follow, this was unlike anything before. “I guess what I was like as the Maiden—”
“What you were forced to be like as the Maiden,” he corrected softly.
I nodded. “I guess it’s what I’m comfortable with when I don’t know what’s expected of me. And silence—docility—was always expected.”
“But was it easy?”
The sweep of his fingers, drifting even lower, snagged my attention, sending a flash of molten heat through me and causing me to wonder if I had the foresight to set boundaries with this whole agreement. Surely, what he was doing with his hand wouldn’t convince anyone of our relationship since it was hidden beneath the cloak.
“Princess?” he murmured, his lips grazing my ear.
I exhaled shakily, hoping that what Kieran had said about Casteel and a wolven’s ability to scent desire was grossly exaggerated. “I…I often wanted to scream—just scream for no good reason, in the middle of the Great Hall during the City Council meetings. I would’ve loved to have screamed right in Priestess Analia’s face.”
He barked out a short, rough laugh. “I would’ve expected a far more violent desire when it came to that bitch. And I still don’t use that word often, yet I use it proudly when it comes to her.”
I grinned, feeling a savage joy at seeing the Priestess’s eyes widen when Hawke had put her in her place. “And I…I hated just standing there and listening to the Duke get upset because I didn’t walk quietly enough—”
“He seriously lectured you about that?”
“Yes.” I laughed, but there was nothing funny about any of this. “He’d lecture me about anything. Find any reason for a lesson. Not standing straight enough. Being too quiet. Not speaking quickly enough when spoken to—when I was allowed to respond, which was everchanging. I…” I shook my head. “I wanted to scream in his face—no, that’s not true. I wanted to punch him. Often. With my fists.” I paused. “With a dagger.”
Casteel was silent for a moment. “How did you deal with him? That’s something I can’t wrap my head around. You’re not weak. You’re not a pushover. That’s inherently the opposite of who you are. How did you never push back?”
I stiffened, feeling shame creep in. “I couldn’t.”
“I know that,” he immediately reassured. “I didn’t mean to suggest that you could have. You were trapped. Just like I was, and if anyone thinks you should have, then they have never been in a position where they had to do anything to survive.”
I relaxed a little. “I just…you know, it took a couple of times for me to learn how to disassociate from it. I would be there, but I would think of something—anything—else. Sometimes, I thought about all the ways I would one day pay him back for every foul thing he did or said. Other times, I imagined training with Vikter. When it was too hard to focus, I just counted. I would count as high as I could.”